The Underachiever

Sunday, Bloody Sunday?

2011-05-20T22:04:00.003-04:00

TO DO

7 a.m. - Big breakfast. Long day ahead.

9 a.m. - Finish packing. Throw in some extra sandals and a light jacket in case it gets chilly at night. Sticking to biz casual.

11 a.m. - Confirm number of guests with caterer.

12:30 p.m. - Light lunch. Don't want to travel on a full stomach.

2 p.m. - Have dad call his friend Meph to lend us some entertainers: Hendrix, Joplin, Cobain, maybe a Jonas brother or two (they should be arriving around 6:45 EDT).

4 p.m. - Make sure guests rooms have mints on the pillows.

6 p.m. - Go time. Booyah!

See That Pile Of Parts? That Used To Be My Scale

2011-05-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

Day 6

Weigh in: +1 pound. So as my experiment week comes to an end, here is what I have learned: not much. On the first day of "normal" eating with a cut in carbohydrates, I lost weight. On the second, I gained.

Salt may be a factor in there, too, seeing as I ate fast food yesterday. The amount of sodium in fast food is mind-boggling. Some restaurant meals contain three days' worth of sodium; it's nearly impossible to eat an entire restaurant meal without at least one entire day's worth. Since sodium makes your body retain water, that throws another hitch in my giddyup.

What I will take away from this exercise (pun intended) is that I eat an awful lot of carbs, and cutting back would probably do me some good. When I took the time to see how many carbs are in the things I eat every day, it shocked me. While I don't think carbs are the enemy, I don't think I will be quite as friendly with them as in the past.

One thing I know I must work on: eating when hungry, stopping when full. It's a talent we are born with, but along the way I lost that. Too much emotional eating has deadened my body's natural signals. Maybe with some patience and effort, I can get that back.

Happy No Diet Day! Read About My Diet Here!

2011-05-06T21:14:00.004-04:00

Day 5

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that today is No Diet Day. Yes. I know. But let's move on.

So I managed to stay pretty true to my food goals yesterday, but by bedtime I was hungry. Headache, bellyache hungry. I keep thinking I should add some physical activity, but right now I'm still at the thinking stage. My biggest beef? Getting all sweaty. I don't want to take two showers a day, wash my hair twice a day and dry my hair twice a day. As much I admire those people who get up at the crack of dawn and get their workouts done, that is not me. I value my sleep.

Weigh in: -2.5. So what does that mean?? I expected a small gain, if anything. Now I'm at -8.5 pounds in four days. Will tomorrow be my day of reckoning? Or is there something to this carb thing?

By the way, tomorrow will be my last diet update. I thank my four readers for putting up with this unusual (for me) series. Often the only thing worse than being on a diet is reading about somebody else being on a diet. But I am proud that I made updates every day. Diary form is very easy; forming coherent thoughts, that's umm, what's the word? Oh. Hard.

1 p.m. - Out of my usual staples; I didn't replenish them in anticipation of not being able to eat them. All I have here at work is expired peanut butter crackers or slightly stale pretzel goldfish. Goldfish win. I have only half a serving to keep the carb count down. So I'm running on about 75 calories and 12 grams of carbs. Excellent.

6:00 p.m. - I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's. And so I do. I have a small fry, for I am a slave to their curly fries, and try the new chicken salad wrap. It was very good. Not overly tart or tangy. And the size of this thing? It looked like a giant burrito. I trim off some of the extra flatbread to save on carbs. I am acting like "one of those people."

9:15 p.m. - Needed to feed the chocolate beast. I savor two Dove peanut butter chocolate Promises. I am told there are sappy sayings written on the inside of the wrappers. In my mad dash to open the candy as fast as humanly possible, I have never noticed.

I Kissed A Carb And I Liked It

2011-05-05T21:07:00.002-04:00

Day 4

You may have noticed I did not mention exercise these past few days. The Dukan Diet prescribes only a 20 minute daily walk, but this is not recommended for the first few days of "attack" due to potential weakness. I didn't experience any extreme fatigue or weakness, though I did feel a little lightheaded a few times last night.

Weigh in: -0.5 pounds. Half a pound. Lost three days in a row. Yay! 6 pounds in 3 days. And to sound like a broken record, is it really actual weight/fat loss? Or just water weight? Or just lack of calories? Though by my calculations, based on calories, I should have only lost 1 pound. The only real way to compare the effects is to starve for four days and see how they match up, something I am not willing to do anytime soon.

So while I've had a good run, I have decided to end the Dukan Diet experiment. I learned a lot about carbs, protein, not to mention all that dairy probably boosted my calcium intake. But I am not willing to go hungry for two more days.

However, I am more curious about the effect of carbs on my body. So for today and tomorrow I am doing a new experiment. I will diet, eating around 1,200 calories, but also try to limit my carbs to less than 100 grams. No food is forbidden. We'll see what happens. Hopefully I can sustain this loss and eventually lose more. I refuse to buy one of those expanders you can attach to the waist of your pants.

12:15 pm. - Granola bar. Made with evil white flour. It tasted wonderful.

5:30 p.m. - Cottage cheese with berries. This may be one of the Dukan-approved foods I can stick with.

6:00 p.m. - Two crunchy tacos. Though I also like the soft shell, I learned they have almost 10 more grams of carbs.

6:45 p.m. - Baby size ice cream cone. Peanut butter moose tracks. I refuse to feel guilty about it, though it threw me a bit over my max carb limit of 100 grams.

Approximate totals: 1200 calories, 125 grams of carbs

Dukan't Believe I'm Still Doing This

2011-05-04T17:39:00.005-04:00

Day 3

Felt OK this morning. Wasn't very hungry. Or maybe I didn't notice it because I was so busy at work. Still, seriously thinking this might be my final day on the Dukan Diet.

Weigh in: -2.5 pounds. I'm glad to see a second day of weight loss, but I can't help thinking as soon as I eat a piece of bread or consume more than 1,000 calories I will gain what I've lost. In theory, that shouldn't happen. More calories burned than eaten should result in weight loss. But I've yo-yoed so many times I don't know what to believe anymore. Right now, a gain would make me feel like such a failure.

The reason I started this crash diet was because: A. My pants have grown too tight and I don't have money to buy new work clothes. B. I have a health check for my insurance next week. Hence the urgency. I am about 20 pounds heavier than this time last year, which is still much, much less than my heaviest. I'd prefer to just cut back gradually, not depriving myself too much. Alas, I am an all or nothing type of person.

1:00 p.m. - First I've eaten today. Cottage cheese with a few strawberries and granola, then an ounce of turkey. Got a bit of a belly ache again. I don't have problems with dairy any other time. Maybe it's because I'm eating it on an empty stomach.

2:15 p.m. - One big burp and I feel much better.

4 p.m. - Gum! Glorious gum!

4:45 p.m. - Lady walked by the window with a big-ass ice cream cone. I want chocolate peanut butter ice cream so bad. I might even consider killing someone for it. Then the thought passes. Mostly.

5:00 p.m. - Eating peanut butter straight from the jar. Tip of the day: Crunchy has fewer carbs than creamy. I ran out of nuts yesterday. I like dry roasted peanuts, so I tried a packet of Emerald dry roasted almonds. Didn't care for them; they had garlic and onion in the ingredient list. I think I would prefer raw. So pb on a spoon it is. It does help to calm my choco/pb ice cream craving.

6:45 p.m. - And now, the reason I have stayed on the diet this long: turkey bacon. I promised myself I could have bacon on Day 3. So I cook it up in the oven, expecting it to be all crispy and crunchy. Didn't happen. I don't know if it was because it was turkey bacon or there was just something wrong with my technique, but it was like eating shoe leather. Didn't stop me from eating it, but I didn't enjoy it. Bacon fail.

7:15 p.m. - Craving something forbidden. Chocolate is sky-high in carbs and I don't feel like blowing it this late in the day. Finally decide on something sweet. I have two jelly beans. They were heavenly.

Thanks to the bacon, this is probably the highest calorie day so far, nearing 1,000. I feel guilty about this. I also realize it is completely ridiculous to feel bad about eating 1,000 calories.

Leaning Toward Dukan't

2011-05-03T18:13:00.004-04:00

Day 2

I feel very tired this morning even though I got about seven hours, but that's not unusual. I need eight to nine hours to feel rested, so I'm not attributing the fatigue to the diet.

Weigh in: -3 pounds. It's something, but I was hoping for more. I've lost more than that on a one day fast. Those three pound are probably just water weight and starvation. I actually think fasting would be easier. After a while, you stop being hungry or thinking about food. But with this, I have to eat and be around food, and that seems to be worse for me.

10:30 a.m. - I smell popcorn. My dad has brought me a bag of buttery, freshly popped popcorn. (No fault of his own; he doesn't know I'm on this diet). I want it. Very. Badly.

1:30 p.m. - I especially enjoy Quaker Chewy bars and Planters Nut-trition bars. But all I have is Greek yogurt, which I'm trying for the first time. I didn't mind the texture so much. When I mixed it up, it was like whipped butter. Thank goodness I went with strawberries today instead of blueberries. They were juicy and that really helped flavor the yogurt.

If you are squeamish, please skip this paragraph: To me, it tastes like bile. Like when you throw up, that smell. That's the taste. I cannot unwrap my mind from that connection. But since it was eat it or starve, I shoved it down. I can't even imagine the taste without those five precious strawberries.

4 p.m. - My belly ache from the yogurt finally subsided a bit. I ate my carefully portioned 1/4 cup of nuts. Felt a little energy kick in.

5:30 p.m. - Picked up a grilled chicken sandwich from McDonald's on the way home. Also bought some food for the parents. I completely admit I ate four hot, golden french fries. Then I removed the chicken breast from the bun and ate my somewhat satisfying dinner. At least the chicken had some flavor.

7:30 p.m. - Cottage cheese with a few strawberries. Not too awful at all.

9 p.m. - Nausea is back again. Done for the night. I'm only at about 800 calories.

I think this diet can work really well for avid carnivores. If I cooked a lot at home or could afford to get restaurant takeout every night (like a tender steak or juicy chicken breast), I might be a better candidate for this plan. But it's not turning out to be a good fit for me.

Dukan Or Dukan't

2011-05-02T23:29:00.003-04:00

Caveats: 1. I believe food should be enjoyed. 2. I don't think cutting out entire food groups is healthy or sustainable. 3. I think dieting is for the birds. Replacing junk with healthier foods and adding exercise sounds much kinder to the body. 4. No matter your weight, you should love yourself and your body.

I've been hearing a lot in the British press about the Dukan Diet. It is a low-carb diet but there is no carb counting, no calorie counting, no point counting, no special ratios. You may eat as much as you like as long as it is on the approved foods list. I've never tried a low-carb diet before, mostly because I know I could not stick to it long term. However, I decided to give this a go for 5 days. Follow along and share my misery, won't you?

Day 1: I am in the "attack" phase, which makes me feel like a ninja. Bonus! What this really mean is that I get to eat next to nothing. I can have all the meat and low fat/low carb dairy I want.

The problem is, I don't like meat all that much. I can count on one hand the number of steaks I've eaten in my life. I like chicken and turkey but I don't like to cook. Me and raw meat don't get along. I am totally paranoid about contamination, cross-contamination, E. coli, salmonella. That leaves me with canned chicken, lunch meat, yogurt and cottage cheese.

Oh, I'm forgetting the tablespoon of oat bran I'm allowed once a day. But I don't have any, so I'm substituting granola. Of course this is against the rules and the diet police will come running after me soon.

11 a.m. - Missing my mid-morning granola bar. Everything on this diet requires refrigeration. Instead of lugging food to work and trying to stuff it in our college dorm-size fridge, I choose to go hungry.

12:45 p.m. - Lunchtime! I fix a big bowl of plain yogurt (I didn't even know they made plain yogurt. I always assumed vanilla was plain. Nope, vanilla actually masks some of the horrible flavor.) Plain yogurt is sour. Very sour. It's like eating cottage cheese straight but without curds. So I sprinkle in a tablespoon of granola and add a few blueberries, which also are not allowed. But I looked them up and they are relatively low in carbs. I figure 10 blueberries won't ruin me, plus I don't think there's any other way I could force down the yogurt.

1:15 p.m. - Nuts! Hey, I have some nuts I could eat. I measure out a 1/4 cup and enjoy them thoroughly.

2 p.m. - Just found out I'm not supposed to eat nuts.

5 p.m. - Starving. Have a massive headache. Sit down to a dinner of packaged turkey pieces and chicken lunchmeat. It tastes good and it feels good to be eating, but I don't feel satisfied. There's no crunch, no sweetness, nothing creamy. Eating as much as I want sounds great in theory, but when I saw how much my grocery bill was just for this week, I had to cut back. So if you are on a budget, expect to go hungry.

5:30 p.m. - Milk. Meh.

6 p.m. - I'm supposed to be drinking lots and lots of water. Not a problem for me; I usually drink 6-8 glasses a day anyway. But with the lack of food in my belly, I am (pardon the phrase) peeing like a faucet. And when I move I can hear the water sloshing around. Weird.

6:30 p.m. - Trying to think of a word. Substance? No. Subsist, sustain ... sustenance! Great, now this diet is making me dumb, too.

6:45 - Not feeling full, exactly, but all the water has me feeling just this side of nauseated. That will quell the hunger for a while.

11 p.m. - Still have a headache. I know I have eaten far too few calories today. A proper day's menu would include at least a 6 oz serving of chicken, beef or fish, plus yogurt, milk or cottage cheese, with each meal. Alas, my pocketbook is not cooperating.

11:30 p.m. - Consider opening my container of cottage cheese. Decide I am too tired even to eat.

12:30 a.m. - Goodnight, all. Watch for more exciting updates tomorrow. Or today, actually. Yeah, this dumb thing is not good.

I Will, William

2011-04-30T20:06:00.003-04:00

'Ello there. I took the liberty of making some smashing comments regarding the royal nuptials. Do feel free to add some of your own. And best wishes to the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Cheers!

Princess Beatrice assisted the guests by providing an extra antenna for better mobile phone service, while Eugenie carried an assortment of fruit for noshing.

In case a church mouse fancied a rowboat
ride, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was well prepared.

Are we there yet?

Can you get me Pippa's number?

You cannot be serious. Not
only do I have to watch my
sister marry a prince, but
now I have to mind the
children? And I'm sure
Prince Harry has been
staring at my bum all day.

The darling couple leaves the palace for some "alone time." That translates around the world, regardless of accent!

Another Withdrawal From Your Wallet

2011-04-19T22:13:00.004-04:00

My credit union is threatening me. They are suggesting that unless I lobby the government on their behalf, they are going to take away my free checking, offer worse interest rates and take my first born. Well, two out of three.

Last year the government passed a package of bills on Wall Street reform, including the Durbin Amendment. This amendment puts a 12-cent cap on "interchange fees," the amount retailers pay to cover the cost of processing debit cards. This was proposed as a way to give small businesses a break and allow bigger retailers to pass savings onto customers. Sounds good to me.

But along comes Visa, JP Morgan and Bank of America (the second most hated company in America, according to readers of Consumerist.com) whining about a cut in their huge-ass profits. Why should they only get 12 cents when right now they charge almost four times as much? Who is looking out for the rich man?

But that isn't how they set the scene. In fact, my own credit union sent me a note in the mail, explaining how they regretfully may have to do away with free checking and offer crummier interest rates because the big, bad government is a meanie. And isn't that sad, because it will really affect the poorest people in the country, who truly need free checking and good interest rates.

But, as I am wont to say, back that train up. The government is not the problem -- it's the greed of the banking industry. They are choosing to take away comps for the poor; choosing to put profits over people; choosing to make consumers pay more for loans or receive lower interest on their savings. Doesn't the banking industry already have enough of our taxpayer money?

Not to mention the fact that I don't even have a debit card. I'm saving the banks money, yet they still chain down their pens like I'm a common criminal. (And might I add how ridiculous it is that a building that houses thousands of dollars is worried about its pens? But I digress.)

Don't let the banks pull their cashmere wool over your eyes. Tell them to suck it up and put on their ugly cotton big girl panties like the rest of us. I ran out of money to buy undies at Victoria's Secret about three bailouts ago.

Bitch -- The Verb, Not The Noun

2011-04-14T11:53:00.003-04:00

I hate when people take a stand, then sit back down.

Ashley Judd, who recently wrote a book about her somewhat horrific childhood, is being ridiculed for saying this: “As far as I'm concerned, most rap and hip-hop music - with its rape culture and insanely abusive lyrics and depictions of girls and women as 'ho's' - is the contemporary soundtrack of misogyny.”

I agree with her. But many people don't, and have called her out for it. In particular, Questlove from The Roots spoke of it on Twitter, saying "“hmmm. at least i got my answer as to why ash judd didn’t give us so much as a nod on her last visit. im a criminal.”

Judd couldn't take the heat, and issued a statement backing off her words and apologized for criticizing the genres as a whole instead of just certain artists.

Here's my take:

Not all rap or hip-hop is misogynistic. That's why she used the word "most."
Bitch and ho are words commonly found in rap music.
The top selling rap albums of 2010 included Eminem's "Recovery" and Drake's "Thank Me Later." Both are full of derogatory names for women, tales of using and abusing women, and a liberal dose of superiority over women.
However, some rap and hip-hop is completely non-offensive and/or actually positive.
Judd has the right to express her feelings.
Questlove has the right to express his, too.
Judd categorized the music as misogynistic, which is deplorable but not a crime.
Questlove theorizes Judd thinks he's a criminal. She never said anything of the sort. It seems he is making his own generalization, jumping to the stereotype of thug culture.
People take offense at the wrong things. Instead of being disgusted at the vulgar "music" being put out and even more disgusted that millions of people listen to it and accept it, it's the rappers who are taking offense.

This was not a spur of the moment comment on Judd's part. It was written in a book, which she had ample time to compose and edit. If that is her belief about rap and hip-hop, then own it.

Coming Soon: Unplanned Parenthood

2011-02-22T23:58:00.004-05:00

Here's what I know: Birth control is still legal and abortion (for the time being) is still legal in this country.

Here's what I believe: Every woman has the right to reproductive health care -- yearly exams (often the only checkup they get), screening for cervical cancer (one of the most easily cured cancers if caught early), HIV testing, access to effective birth control and, if she so chooses, the right to have a safe abortion.

No one has the right to force their religion or moral beliefs on others, and that is exactly what the Republicans are doing by using their power to cut off the cash flow to Planned Parenthood. Even though federal money already is prohibited from being used to fund abortions, they want to really make sure that taxpayer money not be allowed to fund a tax-paying woman's abortion. Nevermind that Planned Parenthood only performed about 1/4 of all abortions performed last year.

Methinks no one would stand for refusing men easy access to screenings for prostate cancer or testicular cancer, or prescriptions for Viagra. It seems perfectly acceptable in this culture to deny women their rights, and without much complaint, as long as it doesn't affect men.

Maybe the male conservative politicians should remember they have wives, sisters, daughters, nieces and granddaughters. Are they comfortable denying those women access to health care? But, of course, their relatives would never have to use Planned Parenthood because they have the money to afford all-inclusive health insurance. It's only those poor people who would use a Planned Parenthood clinic, and apparently they should be grateful for whatever crumbs are thrown their way.

Men in Congress need to start looking out for the other 51% of the population. Remember, WE pay your salary and you work for US.

9-1-1 For 1-8-7

2011-02-13T23:51:00.005-05:00

According to TV Guide, Detroit 1-8-7 is on the chopping block. Ratings are not what they could be, and ABC, like all networks, is likely to choose quick money with a mindless show over nurturing a quality one.

I want this show to stay on the air, not just because people in Detroit need jobs (granted, they do) but the show is better than that. The cast is diverse, without ever feeling forced. The characters have dimension. The stories are compelling, the writing intelligent and thought-provoking. When you turn off the TV, the stories -- and the city -- stays with you.

The show is true to life, at least as much as it can be. If it truly reflected Detroit, every episode would be about black-on-black crime, gangs, drugs and innocent people caught in the crossfire. But repetition doesn't make for good television. So they definitely take liberties with life in Detroit, but this is entertainment, after all.

Detroit, like my own hometown, has devolved into a city of crack houses, empty factories and crumbling beauty. But there are people who still believe in Detroit, and I am one of them. The Detroit Institute of Arts, the kickass Red Wings, the Eastern Market: Motown has lots to be proud of. And now it has Detroit 1-8-7.

Don't you think I'd move if I could?

2011-02-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

My brothers and sisters, we have survived the Snowpocalypse. I know it wasn't easy, and we saw things we will never forget.

We know the pain of unending forecasts, of ridiculous storm names, of thunder snow. We have seen big, white, flaky objects falling from the sky. Store shelves empty of bread and milk.

But we shall overcome. I know this because I have been to the top of the snow pile and it is good. I saw sunshine, flowers, green grass. People in sandals and short sleeved shirts.

I know it seems a long way off, but it is promised. And it shall arrive. Our patience will be rewarded. Wait with me, brothers and sisters, for the time they call spring.

Facebook Backtalk

2011-02-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

I love Twitter and this blog because of the anonymity it affords me. I can say whatever I want about whoever I want, and pretty much get away with it. But with Facebook, no such luck. There are so many things I would like to say to people but I don't have the guts. Plus, sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people go about their business -- then talk about them behind their back.

Which brings me to today's feature: Facebook Backtalk, where I reply to the idiotic status messages from people on FB, while keeping them anonymous and allowing me to be a coward. Let's begin.

To people complaining about being unfriended: It's because you are a drama queen and are so needy for attention. I'm sorry you had issues growing up, but we all did. Time to move on, honey.

To women who are always getting in fights (with words and/or fists) with other women: It's because you're sleeping with their boyfriends. Stay home from the bar and keep your pants on.

To people who habitually complain about their kids: Tough luck. You wanted 'em, you got 'em. Do us all a favor and learn how to use birth control from now on.

To 90% of men on FB: Post a status update once in a while. Sheesh.

To women who are engaged or going to have a baby: Congratulations! But if I have to hear about your agony over choosing personalized napkins or way too intimate details of your body's changes, I will smother you with a pillow the first chance I get.

To people who repost well-meaning but overwrought stories on every imaginable disease or cause and ask you to "change your status for just one hour": Save your fingers the typing. I have already heard of cancer, autism, drunk driving, animal overpopulation, etc. Reposting does nothing to solve these problems. Donating a buck or two, that would help.

Repost This ♥

2011-01-27T22:12:00.003-05:00

Another one of those schmaltzy, god-awful Facebook posts are going around, and has been copied and pasted into the status box of more people than I care to count. So to all you lucky women out there who have found Mr. Right and love to make the rest of us feel bad because we haven't, this is for you:

If you don't have a wonderful man, are all alone in the world, desperately seeking the perfect guy, have to do everything on your own, have no one to make you laugh or smile, give anything to have a man to drive you crazy, even friends can't fill the empty space in your heart, fear you will die alone, ready to give up on finding love, feel there must be something wrong with you because you can't find someone, wish for someone special every day, and afraid you will have to live without the one thing everyone else seems to have, then you have every right to be sad, angry, bitter, hopeless, jealous, depressed and just plain sick of it all.

Can We? Really?

2010-11-02T23:39:00.003-04:00

So another election day has come to a close. I usually have a sense of excitement or foreboding about this time. But this year, not so much. The reason? Things are so royally effed up that I don't think it could get much worse, no matter who wins.

When times were good, like they were for my family when Clinton was in office, I felt trepidation when his term was up. And for good reason: we ended up with W. and the whole country went to hell, in my humble opinion.

And when times were bad but we still had hope, like the day Obama was elected, there was the thrill of change, of a new day in America. Then the whole country continued its downward spiral into hell, in my humble opinion.

My state has some of the worst unemployment, few to no quality jobs, deep deficits right down to the county level and rampant crime. Of course I would like to see my favored candidates win, but if they lose, meh. Could a changing of the guard really hurt us that much?

Most people are fickle. When things get rough, they switch alliances, thinking things will get better. And if they don't, they switch right back. Often times, this makes for a constant revolving door that doesn't allow any politician to get the foothold needed to make real improvements.

Those actions can work against us. Not every problem can be solved in one term. But the American people are desperate -- desperate to hang onto their homes, put food on the table, get their children a quality education. Having faith in government, waiting it out two terms to see betterment, they just don't have that luxury.

So I am keeping a cool head this year. No fighting about party ideologies, voting records or negative campaign ads. Whoever wins, more power to them. I just hope they realize the have the future of 300 million people in their hands.

I Need To Hold A Benefit To Pay For My Benefits

2010-10-01T23:40:00.004-04:00

Just when I thought I had run out of things to bitch about, along comes a packet in the mail with my insurance information for 2011. And it sucks. Big time.

I have always been very happy with my insurance benefits. My only beef was they covered birth control pills, but no other type of contraception -- no IUDs, the shot, mini pills. But if you want to get fixed, they'll pay for that.

Anyhow, the insurance is divided into three levels of coverage at three different costs. I chose the basic plan last year. It was the cheapest (about $27 a week out of my check, my employer covered the other half) and it met my needs. I especially liked the pharmacy benefit. Generics cost less than $10 and came out of my HRA fund, so I didn't pay anything out of pocket.

Every year my company threw in $1,050 to my health fund, which also rolled over from year to year, and all my expenses were paid from that fund. I don't think I've had to pay for a covered prescription or doctor visit the entire time I've had the plan.

Then comes 2011. Mr. Obama, you have screwed me over royally. The basic plan is now virtually pointless. Between what I have to pay in co-pays and deductibles, I'm paying more than I will ever get back in care. Unless something catastrophic happened, it's useless.

But did I mention I don't have a choice? Yep, I am now required by law to have health insurance. And if I don't enroll. the company will enroll for me, at the medium level. Because if you can't afford insurance, you might as well go for the higher premium, right?

In the basic plan, the health fund money is gone. Kaput. Whatever you have in it now is frozen. You are just cut off. i.e., the company ain't ponying up money anymore for the lowly basic plan. And birth control pills are no longer covered. They'll pay for pre-natal care, delivery and child wellness visits, but not birth control. Seems all that would cost a lot more than a pack of $20 pills once a month. I guess abstinence and abortion are the only options now. Guess which one of those isn't covered.

I now have a prescription deductible and the deductible for doctor visits, procedures, ER visits and hospital stays have risen.

The only thing left to know is how much I have to pay for this crappy insurance. Conveniently, the "price lists are not yet available." I'm guessing those will come out about one hour before the deadline to enroll, so I'll have plenty of time to make a decision.

I am all for covering all Americans with health insurance. But here's the thing: couldn't some measures have been taken to insure just those in between -- everyone except those getting insurance through their employer and those on Medicaid and Medicare? It seems all Americans now have to suffer so those in the gap have the right -- I mean, have absolutely no choice -- to be insured. Was a complete overhaul necessary?

I thought the purpose of health care reform was to make it possible and affordable for everyone to have insurance. Guess what? Now I can't. Thanks, Mr. President.

Nine Years' War

2010-09-11T01:08:00.003-04:00

I don't believe in giving idiots publicity. Especially those who spread hate and would endanger the lives of others for a few minutes of fame. So I will simply say I am pleased the guy that was going to do that thing today decided not to.

Sept. 11 is a tragic day in our history. Let's not make it about race, religion, conspiracy theories or politics. It is a day of remembrance. A day to reflect on those who lost their lives, whether they were police officers and firefighters trying to save the lives of others or just an everyday person who got up that morning and went to their job or got on a plane. To think of those who are still dealing, mentally and physically, with the events of this day nine years ago.

Let us also use this day to encourage peace and understanding, to heal and to be grateful we woke up on Sept. 12 when nearly 3,000 others didn't.

One Nation Under God?

2010-09-04T11:04:00.002-04:00

I'll throw in my two cents about the mosque planned to be built near Ground Zero. I say near because it is not on the footprint of the twin towers. It is two blocks away in a building that was a Burlington Coat Factory. Unless they had some heavenly sales, it is not hallowed ground.

This is a case of 'just because you can, doesn't mean you should.' The Muslims have every right to build a community center, house of worship, whatever, wherever they wish. This is America -- we are supposed to support religious freedom and tolerance, though we, the people, and the government rarely practice what we preach. However, Muslims know their image in New York is horribly tarnished, and this act is not endearing them to the rest of America, either.

The opponents of the mosque, especially families of terror victims, have every right to protest. They lost loved ones in an extreme act of violence, something most people can never relate to. But their protests are short-sighted. After all, some Sept. 11 victims were Muslims, Muslims fight for the U.S. in our military, teach our children, tend to our wounds, etc. I think accepting people who practice Islam and respecting their constitutional rights would be another step in their healing process.

Because one group of horrible, horrible people who practiced Islam chose to become murderers does not mean all Muslims are terrorists. The way not all Catholics are child molesters, not all athletes are dopers and not all gay men have fabulous fashion sense. And to paraphrase the spoutings of conservatives after 9/11, if we fear or loathe Muslims because of what happened on 9/11, aren't we letting the terrorists win?

When I'm 64

2010-07-25T11:15:00.003-04:00

I found my first gray hair this week, about 15 years before I expected it. And let me tell you, it freaked me the hell out.

I've never thought of myself as vain. Honestly, I never believed I was very good looking anyway, so why bother with all the beauty trappings. Lipstick on a pig, right?

But a few months back, I saw the beginning of wrinkles. Those two parentheses around my mouth weren't going away when I stopped smiling. Actually, they could have been there for years but since I only smile about as often as Halley's Comet comes around, but I just noticed them.

I pondered this development, mourned a bit, then bought one item I never planned to purchase: wrinkle cream. Yep, a little overpriced jar of goo to make me feel better about myself. Cost about $40 for less than 2 oz. And that's cheap compared to other brands.

Is it working? I think so. On the wrinkles, I mean, not on the self-esteem issue. Those lines are not quite so visible on my glum face. And I'm hoping to delay any new ones as long as possible.

Now I wonder, what's next? Liver spots? A hump? An obsession with making sure every appliance in my house has a "cozy"? Only time will tell.

Satanic Verses

2010-07-13T23:10:00.005-04:00

So, um, heard any good secretly recorded verbally abusive audio tapes lately?

In case you haven't heard, Radar Online has released three clips of Mel Gibson's psycho rants to baby mama Oksana Grigorieva. It makes for fine dinner conversation, I must say.

I was a little too young when the "Lethal Weapon" movies came out; I don't remember Mel Gibson as the sexy action star. I became aware of him more as the pudgy, aging "Braveheart" dude. So I'm not taking his fall from grace too hard.

In tape 2, I counted, give or take, 60 uses of the word "fuck" or "fucking." He really needs to broaden his vocabulary. Maybe he could use the summer to get some Kumon tutoring. But he never used the expletive as a verb, so it's FCC approved. Someone needs to auto tune that sucker. It could be the smash hit of the summer.

At least he's not discriminating when it comes to discriminating; he seems to hate most all non-white groups equally. Throw in a few anti-Muslim rants, a sprinkle of Native American hatred and a soupcon of jokes about slanted eyes and he'll have just about covered it all. I'm beginning to think he has a checklist of people to insult and he's in a rush to finish. Women? Check. Hispanics? Check. Blacks? Check. Jews? Check.

His "people" haven't been much help, either. They claim the ex made the tapes as blackmail. Possibly, but she didn't make up the horrendous things he said to her. And when asked if Mel ever punched her, his lawyer made the remark, "Her teeth are in her mouth, according to our information." Can you feel the love?

Gibson's only redemption, if it's even possible, would be to admit he is an alcoholic and do rehab. Or, even better, Celebrity Rehab. I hear they have a lot of spots open. Tila Tequila won't even do the show, and that's saying a lot. He would be just the ratings bump the show needs.

In all honesty, I find the tapes disturbing. I've never heard anyone say such awful things, especially with such hatred in their voice. But what bothers me more is that domestic violence happens to women all over the world every day. They are demeaned, degraded and abused by the men in their lives. Most of them put up with it, because of cultural mores or money issues or they are simply too dehumanized to leave.

It also shows that no matter how charming, rich, successful or famous, a man with hatred will never change.

Apparently the biggest secret in Hollywood isn't being gay, it's being an abuser.

Summer Of Love

2010-07-04T23:21:00.003-04:00

I thought I would entertain you with a tale of a good 4th of July. After spending one holiday being robbed and another stranded in a trailer, Independence Day has never been a favorite of mine. So I will reach far back into my brain and regale you with a narrative from my childhood.

It was before puberty, some time after kindergarten. I'd peg it as 1987 or 88.

As usual, my mom and I headed to my great-grandparents' house to begin the night. They lived across from a big grassy area, which happened to be across from the place my city's fireworks are shot off. Lots of relatives would come by, we'd make s'mores, a genuine good time was had by all.

That particular year Bad Aunt decided to stop by with some friends. This is the aunt no one talks about. Some younger ones probably don't know she exists. I could say she's a little eccentric, different, troubled. Or I could just say she's an ex-con and you'd get the point much faster. And people of her kind tend to attract similar souls.

So as we gathered lawn chairs and blankets to head over for the show, in pulls a truck with Bad Aunt and a gang of about five. A few women, a few men. All of them I would cross the street to avoid.

Along with their cigarettes and booze, they also provided another necessary provision. In the back of the pickup was a couch. Ugly, saggy, beat-up and huge. Yes, they brought their own couch. Which they unloaded and plopped in the yard.

A million thoughts passed between my two closest cousins (just a year and a half younger) and I as we looked at each other. We didn't need words. Bad Aunt had left us speechless.

We stood there, paralyzed with a mix of awe and disgust; wonder and revolt. For as creepy as this group was, they were quite entertaining.

Still we stood, gaping. Until finally, finally, one of my cousins spoke: "It's Bad Aunt ... and the Hippie Crew."

The laughter burst from our mouths in a waterfall of continuous, rippling guffaws. Giggles that make your stomach hurt, leave you gasping for air. We would have rolled around on the ground if the grown-ups hadn't warned about the dangers of grass stain.

She had completely nailed it with her comment. For they did have the hippie look -- long hair, gawdy clothes, very free lovin' ways unfit for our young eyes. The name was so perfect.

Bad Aunt never brought the Hippie Crew around again, but I have never, ever forgotten that night. Every July 4, I think of it. We were young, goofy, happy, carefree and wide-eyed. Joy was so easy - Saturday morning cartoons, popsicles, running through a sprinkler.

I miss that. I miss the innocence. I miss the endless amounts of hope. I miss my grandparents, now many years gone. I miss spending summer vacation days with my cousins. I miss actually enjoying the 4th. I even miss Bad Aunt, who, despite her faults, was part of the family, and if nothing else could be counted on for birthday parties with pinatas full of candy and an interesting topic for gossip.

And every now and then, just for a flickering instant, I miss the wild, weird and wacky Hippie Crew.

Does It Come With A Creamy Filling?

2010-06-27T23:47:00.004-04:00

Apparently Food Network is trying to sex up its image. I'm watching "Cupcake Wars" and there are so many sexual references I want to puke on my parchment paper.

Last time I checked, this was a show about food. And making food. And eating food. Not having sex with food.

The first round requires the bakers to use aphrodisiac ingredients in their baked goods. Nothing too gross. Just some honey, cinnamon, champagne, chocolate.

But then the host challenges the competitors to make a cupcake that "turns the judges on" and "arouses their taste buds." Ew. If I'm supposed to watch two so-so looking women and one old guy get sexually aroused by cupcakes, give me the remote ASAP.

He continues with the awful banter, talking about "blood pumping" and making "sparks fly." Is there a chunk of Limburger in the kitchen? Cause I am smelling cheezy-ness.

The judges are just as bad, describing the food as "naughty" and "sexy," "flirting with my taste buds" and "cupcakes after dark." Did a 15-year-old boy write these lines? And since when are reality shows scripted? Oh, right. Nevermind.

It's cake, people. Butter, sugar, eggs. Not edible panties and Astroglide. There was even a "boom-chicka-bow-wow" reference. Ugh. And all those close-ups of overglossed lips sucking crumbs off forks. Are they going to cut holes in the middle and have sex with the cupcakes at the end of the show? This is cable, after all.

Thankfully, there is no confection copulation. But I am uneasy with the turn this channel has taken. When you can't watch a food show with kids in the room, someone has crossed the line. Who thought Food Network nighttime was akin to Cinemax after dark?

All I can say -- if next week's episode involves tacos or weiners, I will use a wooden spoon to gouge my eyes out.

Tan Your Hide

2010-06-24T20:33:00.002-04:00

I saw a Coppertone-sponsored ad on The Weather Channel today. It was giving tips on staying safe in the sun. Just one problem -- the chick giving the tips had a tan to rival George Hamilton. Does Coppertone make an SPF 2?

One tip was that you should always apply sunscreen 30 minutes before going out in the sun. Then they show a woman putting lotion on a kid while they are already outside.

I'm beginning to wonder if Coppertone is in cahoots with some dermatologists. College isn't cheap and what's a little melanoma? The cancer gets removed with no lasting damage, the doc's kid gets to go to Yale. Everybody happy!

During My Unfortunate Incarceration

2010-06-20T19:41:00.004-04:00

You know what's wrong with America today? (Just a second, let me get in my rocking chair and turn off my stories). The problem with America is there is a lack of shame.

Look at all the kids getting knocked up. Kids. Some not even teenagers. Back in the day they'd ship you off until you had the baby. Then you'd give it away or your mother would raise it as her own. Now the kids are having baby showers and showing off their belly.

I'm not saying that people who make mistakes should be shunned, but people used to feel bad when they were irresponsible. There were social norms and moral standards. People learned from their mistakes.

Look at unemployment and welfare. People used to be humbled when they needed help. Now they think it's a privilege. Hey, I don't have to work, I can just stay home and get free money.

Some of it is the government's fault; they allow it to happen. Need more money? Have another kid. Keep popping babies out, without ever going after the baby daddy for child support. Why bother when the taxpayers can pay your expenses. Need a place to live? Get Section 8 housing. Food? Get the Bridge card.

All this makes people like me become suspicious of everyone, which is a disservice to people that really do need help for valid reasons.

And since when did jail and prison become rites of passage? It should never be accepted or expected. This ain't a bar mitzvah we're talking about. Gangs shooting each other over turf, drugs and "bitches." You wanna be badass? Try getting a job and raising your kids. It's harder than anything you do on the streets.

And where did this "no snitching" mentality come from? Didn't people who came forward with information on crimes used to be seen as heroes for keeping people safe? Now everyone keeps their mouth shut. They don't see anything, they don't know anything.

That is what is keeping poor people poor. Uneducated people uneducated. Bad neighborhoods bad. If you want to help people rise up, stop protecting the murderers. Because if you are in their way, they will not hesitate to kill you. Or your child. Or your grandchild.

You can sit in your bath tub or your basement praying the day away to end the violence. But unless you take action, it will not end.

Don't pray for bread when you have flour in the kitchen.

The World Is Not Flat

2010-06-13T11:53:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure who is the bigger idiot: Abby Sunderland or her parents. I'll go with her parents. She's 16 and still stupid. They are grown adults and still stupid.

In case you didn't hear, she is a 16 year old who tried to sail around the world in her sailboat. Her brother did the same thing but then someone took his record, so I guess she was trying to reclaim the family's honor. Maybe they were going to cut off her hand if she didn't.

So, when you're in a sailboat in the middle of the motherfrickin ocean, you aren't going to last long. Maybe the other young sailors took better routes, had better equipment or just dumb luck. Her boat was damaged, she lost communication and activcated an emergency signal. I figured she was fish food as soon. But surprise, surprise, she is alive and mostly well.

Since she was in the middle of nowhere, it took at more than a day to get to her. In the end, a French vessel picked her up -- she was just out of Australia's search and rescue range, about 2,000 miles from the continent.

As long as Americans don't have to pay for her stupidity, I guess I don't really care. What galls me is when people set out on these publicity stunts and need to be rescued. Then tons of manpower and equipment are needed, wasting thousands of dollars and risking other people's lives. No one should have to pay with tax dollars or government dollars (all our money in the end) to rescue someone who goes out on a dangerous mission of their choosing. Let them buy half a million dollars of insurance before they set out.

Her dad's a real piece of work, too. He says parents are too protective. He likens the dangers of the high seas to that of driving a car.

Where do they come up with this crap? I can't help but think driving a car under your own power on pavement is not the same as taking a 40 foot boat into the raging seas.

He also says they are a family of adventurers. That's great. Let her take any adventure she wants when she turns 18. Until then, it is the parents' job to look out for their children and protect them. Don't let them do things that have a high rate of death.

The family claims to be "Christian." Since "Thou shalt not let your children risk death for publicity" isn't in the good book, I guess I can't question his morals. And Jesus was a fisherman, right?

She's been at this since January. Education be damned, I guess. In April she knew she could not beat the record but thought, "hey I think I'll stay out here anyway." This isn't bumming around Europe with a backpack, honey.

And she's planning to write a book. For the love of all that is decent, please don't buy it. Do not reward her stupidity with money which she will use to do more stupid things. I am not going to fund her adventures.

Don't think this isn't about money as well. She has her own professionaly designed website. No Hotdog web design for her. She has her own line of clothing and shoes, some from name brands likes Converse and Vans. I suppose someone has to pay the mortgage and feed her seven other brothers and sisters while daddy spends his days talking to the press.

I Can Only Count To 8

2010-06-10T15:49:00.000-04:00

Here's the rule on fireworks. They are for the 4th of July. Not the 30th of May. I will also allow their limited use on July 2nd and 3rd. That's it.

For almost two weeks now I've been jerked awake from sleep by firecrackers. What is the point? I set this thing on fire and it goes boom. WTF?

Super-great fireworks I understand -- fountains, pinwheels -- but firecrackers and bottle rockets? I dont get it. Look, Jim Bob, that thing whistled and went in the air. Woo hoo.

Last year my stupidest (so far) neighbor's friend stood in the driveway which adjoins mine, lit a firecracker, threw it, then plugged his ears. Over and over and over.

In my neighborhood, it's doubly annoying because I sometimes can't tell if it's a gunshot or just fireworks. Should I hit the floor? Or was it just an M-80?

Michigan is talking about easing up on banned fireworks. Great, now even the decent people will have this stupid stuff. I keep hearing the platitude "People will get ahold of illegal fireworks anyway. The state should make them legal and make some money off it." Mmm-hmm. Murders are committed every day, so why not make it legal and make some money off it? We can go to the Secretary of State office and wait in line for our murder permits, just $5,000 a pop. Detroit would make so much money they could run the city with a surplus for years.

See, just cause people do it doesn't mean it should be legal. Just ask Jim Bob, who now has second degree burns and eight fingers.

He's Already Dead, Jim

2010-06-09T19:20:00.004-04:00

People, I have a monster headache and haven't had a good night's sleep in days. So I'm not even gonna attempt to tackle the shooting of a Mexican teenager by American Border Patrol.

But I will give you this article with the best headline I've seen all week: Mexico's fury as U.S. border guard shoots dead boy, 14... for throwing stones at him.

We're now shooting dead people after we throw stones at them? Isn't there some law against desecrating the deceased?

Stay tuned for a Joran Van der Sloot rant in the next few days. You know, it's been 5 years since Natalie Holloway went missing, 5 years he's been on the American news radar, and still no one has any idea how to pronounce his last name. Sloot? Schloot? Slote? It is just making the headache worse.

Celebrity Haiku -- School's Out Edition

2010-06-08T21:20:00.005-04:00

Heidi and Spencer
Just go away forever
OK, thx, bye bye

Oh, Lindsay, Lindsay
Such a beautiful train wreck
We should look away

Hey, Aguilera
You can put your clothes back on
Cause you have talent

Sandra, what a kiss
A cheap ploy for attention
Go home to your kid

Cast of Jersey Shore
Put your pants on, get a job
And you talk stupid

Les Grossman, you rock
Tom Cruise has found salvation
As ugly bald dude

Or Are You Just Happy To Read Me?

2010-06-02T22:44:00.002-04:00

Check out this ad in Miami Living magazine, a "high-class" glossy. Is that a ... ? Yes, yes it is.

Th best part is the company doesn't even try to pretend it's not a penis. They're not claiming bad photo shop, ice cream cone mishap, chick had a bad sunburn. They flat out say it's a penis shadow and they didn't expect the magazine to publish it. Guess the magazine's ad department was too busy perusing internet porn to actually look at the ad before it was approved.

But really, the mag doesn't cater to the Highlights set. I've seen bare boobs in high fashion magazine ads. This wasn't even a body part, just an implied one. I don't find it offensive, just hilarious. The website and all it stands for, I find that repugnant. But penis shadow? Not so much. I just want to know the details of the photo shoot -- "Sir, a little to the left. Very good. Now show me pouty."

Boo to Fox News for running this story tease with a pic of Courteney Cox. She may be on the cover of the mag but she didn't accept the ad. She had nothing on earth to do with the ad. Guys all over will be clicking on that story looking for some CC penis shadow action only to be disappointed.

BTW, penis shadow is gonna be the phrase of 2010. History in the making.

One Slick Company

2010-05-31T20:44:00.000-04:00

I'm used to cynical people. I'm one of them. But I found one who isn't cynical enough.

On a call-in radio show, a woman called to warn against using pesticides, especially around children, because they are unsafe. The male host is ripe for a fight. "Not if thy're used properly," he says. The lady counters, "Poison is poison."

She then makes the point that companies do not care about people. They are out to make money and don't care if their products are harmful. She asked, "Do you think BP cares about people?"

To which post-middle-aged know-it-all male replies, "They wouldn't be in business if they didn't care about people."

I don't think I have words to explain how wrong that man is. But let me try. Ever heard of insurance companies, credit card companies, oil companies, hospitals, drug companies, to name a few? They are there to make money, tons and tons of money. They don't care one iota about people. But they are still in business because they offered a needed service, and people usually have no choice in choosing who provides that service.

Does he really think BP is going to pay for the unimaginable cleanup of the coast? Pay the salaries of all the fisherman, seafood dealers and restaurants whose income is now kaput? To rescue all the animals harmed because of their greed? They ignored the warning signs the rig was about to blow, they are responsible for the death of 11 human beings, and now they have no idea how to plug the gusher they created.

How are they allowed to drill when they obviously have no plan if something goes wrong. Exactly how much domestic oil has been wasted? Kind of hard to be independent from Middle East oil when our supplies are laying on top of the water in the Gulf.

So either this guy has major money invested in BP or the station gets some serious advertising dollars from crooked companies to spew propoganda. Take your lousy pick.

Thank You

2010-05-31T08:30:00.001-04:00

Take a moment today to remember all the men and women who fought for this country so that we may have a day off from work.

It's Not British, It's From Ohio

2010-05-29T13:28:00.001-04:00

Victoria's Secret could not have chosen a worse ad campaign than their current "bombshell" ads. I"m sure they paid some marketing firm outrageous amounts of money to come up with a commercial of women in their underwear, followed by an explosion. Every VS commercial is women in their underwear. They just added the violence for the men. Everything about its marketing is geared to men. Exactly why women are so gaga for the brand is beyond me. And "bombshell"? Every time I see that commercial I think of Bombshell McGee, the skank who screwed around with Sandra Bullock's sorry-ass husband. I'm pretty sure infidelity and Nazis is not the image VS wants to evoke. What bad timing.

This is something that bothers me about advertising. Why are so many women's products advertised to attract men? Take Cosmopolitan magazine, for example. Every month there is a model or actress on the cover in a skimpy outfit. How is a half-naked chick enticing to straight women? Cause Cosmo definitely does not recognize that lesbians exist. Unless it's delivering breaking news that men have fantasies about threesomes, girl on girl does not live in Cosmo's world.

Every men's magazine has the same thing on the cover, though the chick is usually 3/4 naked. But that's because it's a MEN'S magazine. Why doesn't Cosmo have a shirtless dude on a bed on every cover? Or a guy in his boxers with his thumbs in the waistband? I guess they are playing into the stereotype that all women are asexual and only go through the motions for their men. Pretty backward for a magazine that wants to be seen as provocative and progressive.

My guess is women's mags are going for the inadequacy angle. See how beautiful and skinny this woman is? Ha ha. You don't look like that. But buy this magazine and maybe it will inspire you to puke yourself beautiful.

We're No. 4!

2010-05-27T15:10:00.002-04:00

I have a feeling there will be an opening in the programming department at NBC very soon. What genius decided to put the pathetic "Celebrity Apprentice" on at the exact same time as the "Lost" finale? Hardly anybody watches that dying dog of a show full of D list and lower celebrities anyway. (Words of wisdom: If you have to Google the contestant because you haven't a clue who they are, they aren't a celebrity.) Who thought it could compete against one of the biggest finales of the season?

BTW, a note on the last "Lost" episode. Didn't understand a friggin thing but loved it anyway. If I wasn't such a cold hearted bitch and could produce actual tears, I would have.

Another flash of brilliance came with the "Biggest Loser" finale pitted against the last performance episode of "American Idol" and the crowning of the winner on "Dancing with the Stars." Hell, people will watch "Dancing" just for the chance to laugh at Kate Gosselin. They could show a full hour of her clomping around and it would win its time slot. Is NBC trying to lose money?

American Idle

2010-05-27T11:36:00.000-04:00

Spoiler: The dude won.

What a crummy season of American Idol. I tune in a few times each season to see if its worth watching. This round was not. The Top 10 absolutely sucked. There were a few people here and there who had potential, but overall my reaction was "This is the best America has?"

I must say I was surprised that Crystal Bowersox lost. She was Simon's favorite from the get-go, but I guess that doesn't have any pull these days. She was good but raw. A white chick with dreds, nose ring, voice like Janis Joplin post-mortem. Maybe she wasn't "commercial" enough or maybe people thought the single mother should get herself a job instead of dumping her kid somewhere so she could party up in LA with her boyfriend, who is not the baby daddy. Apparently the baby daddy had to move back to his home of Eastern Europe to take care of his baby mama there. Drama.

The winner, Lee DeWyze, on the other hand, is like Muzak. You hear it in the background, listen for a few seconds and think "hey, not bad," then get bored and tune out. He also seems to be lacking a personality chip. But he's pure white boy, a Bieber after puberty. Meh.

Bottom line: When their albums come out, I don't think I'll even bother to steal their music let alone buy it.

Click It, Dumbass

2010-05-25T21:32:00.003-04:00

It's that time of year again -- seat belt season. This week our local crack news team was live, local and on the scene to talk to the morons who got ticketed.

The piece starts out with close-ups of the big warning signs informing the public the area is a seat belt enforcement zone. Then a somber reporter begins ... "Bob Shitferbrainz didn't see the signs." Obviously. If this man doesn't see a huge sign on the side of the road, should he even have a license? Cause signs, like the ones that say STOP, are sorta important to staying alive.

Let me also point out that the sign is irrelevant. Seat belts have been mandatory in this state for 25 years. Just because they didn't require one on his horse and buggy when he started driving doesn't mean he is exempt from the law.

"So, Bob," continues the ace journalist, "how do you feel?" Bob spits that he is "ticked off" and police should have better things to do.

Right. How dare the police enforce the law! They could be at Tim Hortons eating donuts. Look, I understand the stupid point he was trying to make, but it was his own fault. I think what takes the cake (or donut) here is that he decided to go on tv and tell the whole tri-county area what an idiot he is. Something tells me he will be seeing many, many tickets in his future.

Back to you, Sam.

Castration Is The Answer

2010-03-05T00:36:00.002-05:00

Here's what makes me want to scream. This is America. Supposedly the greatest country in the world (thought I often disagree, which would make the government think I was a terrorist, which is just another thing messed up about the U.S.). A woman should be able to take a jog by herself without being murdered. Should. But can't. Something as basic as going out alone, unattended, can be deadly.

Chelsea King, 17, wanted to jog. She went to a park. She never came back. They found her body in a shallow grave. The disgusting animal that murdered her pled not guilty. Of course. Would you expect anything else?

This was not his only attack. He is now a suspect in three other cases. And don't forget why he was on the sex offender list in the first place -- he raped a beat a 13-year-old neighbor. A court psychologist warned that he was dangerous and pushed for a harsher sentence. No one listened. He served five years of a six year sentence.

I look at the sex offender registry regularly to see what criminals live in my neighborhood. But they often move without notifying the police. Or they can just travel to another area to commit crimes, with the general public unaware of their identity. But most of the time all it's good for is giving police a starting point once a woman is attacked. It does nothing to prevent attacks; nothing to protect the rest of us, whom they see as potential victims.

It's not lost on me that this poor girl has the same last name as someone I knew who was viciously tortured, beaten, raped and murdered. And every time I think about it, I have a little more hate in my heart.

Big Girls Do Cry

2010-02-23T21:33:00.004-05:00

So skinny, rich Danielle Steel has decided to write a book about a fat chick, "Big Girl." I have not yet read it, but I intend to, just for research purposes. There is no other way, short of a gun to my head, that I would read her books. So just from the listing on Amazon, here are my views on the book.

PROBLEMS:

Steel knows absolutely nothing about being fat.

Her main character, Victoria, is fat because she has serious emotional eating problems. Of course. Cause you can't be fat for any other reason than you drown your sorrows in ice cream.

Victoria has no backbone. It seems most of the story concerns her being put down by her father. Instead of putting him in his place, she just eats more ice cream.

She can't love herself without someone else's approval. Screw the idiot father. If he's that toxic, cut him out of your life.

The girl on the cover of the book: not fat. Notice the lack of double chins or chubby cheeks. Also notice the perfect gleaming teeth.

The title just grates on me. The fact that it has to allude to her weight, plus the use of the word "girl."

I'm sure the heroine will be a tire-flattening size 14. Never would a mainstream author create a lilkable character who is truly obese. How about a complex, intelligent lead who happens to weigh 300 pounds? It will never happen because skinny people don't think fat people are intelligent, and they've either shunned or laughed at anyone that size they have ever seen.

The woman on the cover is licking a spoon. Lest we forget for a moment this book is about a fat person, and all they do is eat.

POSITIVES:

It seems (from the reviews) the main character learns to love herself, flab and all. I hope this is true. I'm afraid Victoria will either get skinny because she learns to deal with her problems and the weight magically disappears; or she gets skinny because she finds true love. And there better be love in this book. She is known as a romance novelist. If she neglects to let her fat girl have a man, I'll put a curse on her. Seriously. I know people.

It is a hugely famous author trying (in her way) to promote being happy at any size.

If they turn it in to a movie, they'll have to employ an actress who weighs more than 100 pounds.

It may provoke more talk about the American concept of beauty. Unfortunately, those discussions usually dissolve into arguments between the fat and the skinny, with the skinny spouting how you can't be fat and healthy at the same time and refusing to hear anything to the contrary.

So I will updates you, dear readers, when I read the book. I can see some mighty fine live tweeting in my future.

The Lyon Cheetah

2010-02-18T20:50:00.004-05:00

So tomorrow Tiger Woods is having a press conference. The media is still working the story to death, with the question of the day being: What should Tiger say?

How about absolutely nothing? He does not owe an excuse, apology or explanation to the American people. Anything he says is purely for his personal gain. He wants his endorsement deals and the money that comes with it. He wants to once again be the golden boy everyone thought he was. If he wants to play golf, then play. He doesn't need a press conference to announce it.

I'm sure there will be some excuse about him having an "illness" that caused him to stick his dick in anything in a skirt instead of owning up to his incredibly promiscuous lifestyle. He'll talk about rehab and how he learned how deeply he hurt his family. He will say he is a changed man, uttered with just the slightest pause to choke back tears.

I just don't care. He's a grown man paid millions to hit a little ball. I didn't care about him before and I don't care about him now. And as much as I love gossip, I don't suppose the American people should care about his personal life, either. It became a big media sensation and water cooler talk, but in the end, what he does on his own time (as long as it's legal) shouldn't be our business.

And might I add that I am violently disgusted at some of the talk on Twitter today. The trending topic #tigershouldsay is full of misogynistic talk. One person suggested he should say "at least I didn't kill a woman like OJ."

The consensus from the men seems to be that cheating is in men's nature and women should accept it. No respect for the women in their lives, no living up to commitments made to others. Is it any wonder there are so many childless fathers in this country? At least Tiger will pay child support. Cause if he didn't, TMZ would hunt his ass down.

UPDATE: Well, he didn't play the illness card. Yay. However, he did go for the religious forgiveness. Boo. He told the woeful tale of wandering away from his religion, how he will look again to his values.

Still, he would have earned bonus points for converting. To Christianity, that is. Maybe become a Methodist, Lutheran, something safe. Catholicism is too scary for the religious right, Islam would have freaked out his sponsors.

Licky Licky, 5 Dolla?

2010-01-24T23:51:00.004-05:00

So Nevada finally has its first legal male prostitute, or prostidude, as the media is calling him. I have no problem with this. I have no problem with legalized prostitution of any kind as long as it is regulated for the health and safety of everyone involved.

My only problem with this entire scenario: Dude is ugly. If I am going to pay hundreds of dollars to have sex with a stranger, he better be the best damn looking (and most talented) man I've ever seen, or close to it. The prostidude, Markus, has got muscles and looks fit, but he needs to put a bag over his head. And he looks stumpy, sorta like an overgrown oompa loompa. See his pic here.

Then again, check out the women who work at this place, the Shady Lady Ranch. Just the name should give anyone pause about using their services. Their workers tend to be, shall we say, on the mature side and wear half a pound of makeup. Julia Roberts they ain't.

What I really want to know, and the owner of the brothel won't say, is how the pricing for the dude breaks down. Is oral included? How long can he last? Is there an extra charge for cuddling afterward?

And for a whole other facet of the issue, let me introduce you to George Flint, a lobbyist for the Nevada Brothel Owners Association and former minister (insert spit-take here). He has likened male prostitution to the bombing of Pearl Harbor. WTF?

Plus he appears to be a homophobe and a hypocrite. He doesn't want this paving the way for gay prostitution, cause that would sully hooking's good reputation. (The fact that that some brothels already cater to couples and/or offer "two girl shows" makes the same-sex point moot, something he neglects to mention. But I forgot, lesbians are hot, so that's OK.)

He's also made some choice comments about prostidudes bringing AIDS into the brothels, even though they will be tested regularly. Guess the thousands of current untested male customers are all 100% healthy and pose no risk to the female workers. Plus, his use of the term AIDS instead of HIV harkens back to the early days of HIV infections, when only gay people got it and that was OK because they deserved it.

Also enjoy this quote from our man Flint: "They [women] can go to a cocktail lounge and have their pick of guys in 10 minutes. They're not going to drive 400 miles round-trip to pay $300 for sex.”

Not so. I know that if I went to a bar, there is no way in hell I'd have my "pick of guys," nor would most average- to below-average-looking women. Not to mention that if I went to a bar, there's probably one two or three guys I would even find attractive. Then factor in that I know absolutely nothing about these men -- if they're healthy, if they already have a girlfriend, if they are violent, if they're crackheads; and the fact that I would never have sex with a random person after knowing them 10 minutes.

But at least at a brothel, women are guaranteed to have a man who's had a health check, will not argue about using a condom, will do whatever the client wants, treats women with respect and won't turn into a crazy stalker.

And believe me, you cannot put a price tag on good booty. Women have, and will, go above and beyond 400 miles and $300 for some quality piece of ass.

The Silver Balls ... Er, Golden Globes

2010-01-19T00:17:00.004-05:00

Sunday night's Golden Globes were actually quite watchable, thanks to the comedy of Ricky Gervais. I love comics who don't care about network etiquette and just say what they damn well please. Cheers, Ricky.

And now for some random musings:

Julia Roberts, how many years has it been since you made a good movie? You're not hot stuff anymore. Put away your big teeth and fade away gracefully.

Chloe Sevigny, it's too bad your dress got ripped. However, the monstrosity was so damn ugly I don't think anyone could tell. Plus, it's not like you paid for it or will ever wear it again. Quit whining.

Drew Barrymore, seriously, how many drugs are you on? You could not string one sentence together to save you life. Next time, use those things called paper and pen. Or better yet, have someone else write your speech for you. Then it might make sense.

Mariah Carey, put those things away. We know you like attention but that just looked desperate.

Mo'Nique, no idea what was going on with those hairy legs but more power to you.

Gabourey Sidibe, you looked gorgeous. I wish I had a tenth of your confidence. They better give you an Oscar.

Props to Kevan Hall for designing Gabourey's dress. Too bad it's the only plus-size dress he's ever made.

Did anyone ask Michael C. Hall who designed his beanie?

I love Fergie. Just thought I'd put that out there.

What was with all the purple? Did Mood have a sale?

Robert Downey Jr., your speech was charming but did nothing to reinforce your claims of sobriety.

Finally, True Blood, you were robbed. You are my favorite vampires by far.

My Boot, Your Ass

2010-01-07T20:47:00.004-05:00

No idea if it's true or not, but TMZ is reporting that NBC is giving Jay Leno back his 11:30 time slot. I am pissed beyond belief. Leno, an egotistical, unfunny, money-grubbing ass, missed the fame he got as host of "The Tonight Show," so he whined and cried to the execs until they caved. Meanwhile, Conan O'Brien, a talented comedy writer who built his show from the ground up, amassing a large audience of people not collecting Social Security, will be pushed aside without a second thought so the network can cater to Leno.

It makes me so mad because Leno is the one who agreed to leave the show. He wasn't forced, he wasn't coerced, he agreed of his own free will. But then the thought of losing all that money and nobody kissing his ass all day long finally set in, so he was able to finagle his way into a 10:00 show, which is so cringe-worthy it could be used to make terrorists crack. But that still wasn't enough, so now he's lobbying for (and seemingly winning) his old job. Why he can't just walk away gracefully? Let someone else have the spotlight and just go away.

(BTW, I realize that having such deep feelings about late night television is unhealthy. I'll add that to the list of things to talk to my shrink about.)

Because I Said So

2010-01-02T20:09:00.001-05:00

I've been reading a lot of news online lately, and especially enjoy the stories (often local) that get people all riled up enough to comment.

The whole point of a comments section is for people to post comments. No one says the comments have to be nice or accurate or make any sense. They are allowed to write what they choose (within reason, as determined by the moderator) because they have the right to do so in America. (Cue the national anthem and video of our flag flying in the breeze.)

Some of the best posts are when alleged friends and family of the perpetrator/victim in criminal cases decide to chime in. Half will paint the one being charged with a crime as an angel; half will portray the victim as someone who deserved what they got. Undoubtedly, the words "you weren't there" or "you don't know him" will appear at some point. All very true, but pretty much the whole reason people comment on stories is to give opinions and speculate. If everyone just wanted to say nice things and agree with each other, we wouldn't need the damn message board in the first place. And since the American legal system relies on a thing called a jury, made up of people who weren't there and don't know anyone involved in the crime, to decide who is lying and who is telling the truth, the argument falls a bit flat.

In domestic dispute cases, there usually are a batch of complainers who chide anyone who remarks on any part of the story because "the couple's children could see it and be affected." What a lame excuse. I'm sure when mommy shot daddy or daddy beat mommy, they were affected plenty. Granted, reading biased comments about their parents online will not be a positive experience, but it is hardly the worst part of the situation. Plus, I doubt that after mommy or daddy was led away in handcuffs, their children's first instinct is to go online and read forum postings.

Also represented are the holy rollers, who denounce everyone for judging anyone (to which I refer them to the above definition of a jury). God's name will be invoked several times, then an atheist will have a comeback, then the devout one will turn nasty, and finally Godwin's Law will come to fruition. Although, in these times, I think Godwin's Law should be changed to mean the eventual mention of 9/11 instead of Hitler.

Though I see all of this for what it really is -- entertainment -- I do have one beef. Occasionally a poster will bemoan how media only reports "bad" news. Wake up, people. We don't live in a happy sunshine world. Ignoring bad events doesn't mean they never happened nor does it mean they won't happen again. In fact, being unaware of danger makes you more vulnerable. So don't blame them for focusing on leading with bleeding.

If there is a mass murderer loose in my neighborhood, I want to know NOW, as the top story on TV/radio or in big headlines above the fold, not after a heartwarming portrait of a quadriplegic grandma who has defaulted on her mortgage but decided to spend her last few pennies baking cookies to send to her grandson Timmy who is fighting in Afghanistan.

Nothing should trump hard news. Unless it is a deathly important breaking story on water (or frozen water) falling from the sky. These updates are vital because some people do not have eyes and windows.

The Name Is 10 -- 2010

2009-12-31T22:58:00.003-05:00

I just happened to look at the clock and see it is almost time for 2010 to begin here in the Eastern time zone. I'm sure you've been waiting for my insightful take on the past year, so here it is: It sucked, but not as hard as years past. Now resume your drunken reveling. Over and out.

Red Lobster Now Sucks Less

2009-12-31T01:10:00.002-05:00

Update: I stopped in today to Red Lobster and noticed they have brought back their homestyle mashed potatoes.

See, the power of the (free) press works.

You Shall Find The Infant Wrapped In Swaddling Dollar Bills

2009-12-24T20:43:00.001-05:00

Let me add an 11th commandment. Thou shalt not shop on the day of the birth of our Lord. Not because Christmas is too commercialized or because it takes away from the true meaning of the day (which it does), but because if no one shops on Christmas, stores will be forced to close that day.

It's awful enough that people have to work at a crummy job making minimum wage, but being forced to work all of Dec. 24 and now Dec. 25 too is an insult. These people have families and friends and should be able to have at least one holiday off, for rudolph's sake. And even if they aren't Christian, this was always one day workers could count on having off with pay. What the blitzen are these companies doing to their employees? Money is their god and they worship at the feet of their master, Dow Jones.

Take video stores. They are a frequent offender. One local store is open Dec. 24 from 9 a.m. to 1 a.m. Then they reopen Christmas Day at noon straight through to midnight. People can't go without a video for one mothervixen day? It may be a trial, but I'm sure they could make it through.

Walgreens is another money grubber, and if I recall correctly the first store in my city to start this horrible practice. They are gracious enough to close at 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve (take that, video store peons), but are open from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. Xmas Day. So enjoy that combined 15 hour Christmas vacation. You've earned it.

Working 365 days a year is a practice that needs to be stopped because ... wait for it ... even God rested one day a week.

You Suck!

2009-12-22T22:21:00.002-05:00

I'm starting a new feature here at Going For Bronze: You Suck! Any business that does me wrong, you will appear in this space. I'm tired of awful service, crummy products, all-out lousy companies.

My first You Suck! is aimed at restaurants and mashed potatoes. I like me my mashed potatoes. It's nice to have an alternative to french fries when eating at a restaurant. I like my share of grease, don't get me wrong, but there is nothing like warm, smooth, buttery mashed potatoes.

So the last time I headed over to Bennigan's, I requested their yummy garlic mashed potatoes -- only to be told they no longer have them. I asked why. The waitress seemed confused that I would ask such a question. "Um, well, I guess we had too many back there," she said, giggling. I took that to mean they weren't selling enough. Perhaps that's because customers didn't know they were available. Every sandwich automatically comes with french fries, and even though you can substitute any side, I have never once been asked if I wanted something else. She did offer me a baked potato. Sure, I thought to myself, just take it out of the skin, put a little milk and butter on it, and give it a mash. Then I would love a baked potato.

I sent a polite email to the company to explain my disappointment. I got an automatic reply that in no way referenced my complaint, and that was it. I guess companies have so much business and the economy is so booming that they can afford to lose customers. How about a little note explaining the reason for getting rid of the potatoes? Maybe a coupon to get me to come back. Nothing. Corporations just don't care.

Another one of my (used-to-be) favorite restaurants that got rid of my beloved mashed potatoes: Red Lobster. This place has been going downhill for ages. First they stopped allowing you to order off the lunch menu at dinnertime. Then they started charging you for their biscuits unless you ordered a full entree (ie. soup and salad doesn't cut it). Then they got rid of their awesome seasoned fries for limp, oversalted shoestring fries. Then they decided that if you ordered a sandwich, you didn't deserve fries at all, you get potato chips. No fries for you!

Then they changed their white cheddar mashed potatoes to plain old mashed potatoes. Still good, but not great. And now there are no mashed potatoes at all. I asked why, waiter didn't know. But again I was offered a baked potato. And again I sent an email to the corporate division. At least their reply wasn't a canned response. But it was still the same old generic pablum about local restaurants making their own menu choices, please try us again. But they offered no incentive to go back. No money off coupon, no free dessert for my troubles. And let me stress, that is not the point of me writing to them. I write to let them know I am a loyal customer and I have a concern. And for every person who writes a letter, there are 50 more who have the same complaint but will never voice it.

You want to know how to please a customer? Take a cue from Godiva. I once spent way too much money than I had on a big ol' box of chocolates. I opened the box only to find the chocolate had "bloom" -- a whitish film on the chocolate. It happens when the cocoa butter separates from the rest of the ingredients. Most likely it was caused by improper storage. I didn't buy from a Godiva store because there are none in my area; I bought it from another retail store that I thought was reputable. I wrote a letter telling them I was disappointed cause I spent a bundle on that chocolate. They sent me a letter of apology and overnighted me, in dry ice, a fresh box. Talk about class. Now that is customer service.

Eligibility Requirements

2009-12-13T12:32:00.001-05:00

What is up with contests these days? It's like having a part-time job. Used to be you filled out a card with your information and dropped it in the mail or contest barrel and voila, you were entered. One time, one chance. Not anymore. Now sweepstakes have moved online. And you can enter every single frickin day for months on end.

For instance, I've been entering a contest to win $100,000 from Redbook since summer. But apparently I came late to the game. It actually began Dec. 15, 2008. Yep, 2008. And it doesn't end until January 15, 2009. How much of my life have I wasted entering this thing that I have a near-zero chance of winning?

Then I got dragged into a chance to win a $5,000 gift certificate from Williams Sonoma. OK, I thought, I can do this. I mean, all summer I managed the Redbook contest along with the Linens N Things contest for college tuition. Two a day isn't so bad, right? Except Real Simple magazine is now offering me a chance to win a year of free groceries. Granted, it doesn't take very long to fill out the forms but it's the stress associated with it. In the middle of the day I'll realize I haven't entered. Or have I? I must check. I lay my head on the pillow and night and bolt upright. Did I enter today? And when does today become tomorrow? What time zone does the contest live in? Why am I talking about the contest like it's a living thing? Why am I talking to myself at all?

God bless Ryan Seacrest. His contests allow one entry per person. That's it. Easy, fair, stress-free. Why can't more people be like Ryan Seacrest? I mean, he seems personable, funny, has a great work ethic. And his eyes are kind of dreamy. What was I talking about?

Oh, right. There seems to be one simple solution. Dear readers, you must send me money. Then I won't need to enter any contests and I'll still retire in style. Think about it: If everyone who reads my blog sent just $1, I would have $3. Then I could take that money and put it in an IRA. Doing some quick math, I estimate that money will have tripled by the time I retire. Then I could take that $9 and buy a cardboard box. What's left I will use for bus fare to the airport, where I will beg for money until I have enough for a plane ticket to Florida. Then my box and I will retire to the Sunshine State.

Oh, but what about tape for box maintenance? And newspapers for those occasional chilly nights. I'll also have to budget for sunscreen. Damn it all! I'll be back later. I have to go enter another contest.

Getting High On Tryptophan

2009-11-26T12:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! In honor of this day off from work, I will not bore you with a list of all the things I am thankful for: family, friends, freedom, all that boring junk. Instead, I turn to Hollywood to inspire my thankfulness this year.

I am thankful for:

Spencer and Heidi, for teaching me how to be a good Christian.

Lindsay Lohan, for exemplifying the proper way to have a dysfunctional relationship with my father.

Jon and Kate, for helping me learn how to survive a public scandal with grace and privacy.

John Mayer, for reveling in his man-whoreness and at the same time compelling millions of people to overlook his talent.

Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart, for enlightening me on the difference between a sex tape and a naked tape.

Carrie Prejean, for demonstrating the difference between a sex tape and a solo sex tape.

Rob Pattinson, for imparting the knowledge that any douche can turn into a charmer with some pale face makeup.

Michael Jackson, for showing that when you die, everyone will rehash every thing you ever did wrong, or were accused of doing wrong, in your life.

Farrah Fawcett, for proving no matter how famous you are or how valiant your battle, when you die a child molester will still get top billing on the news.

Britney Spears, for exposing the truth that no matter how talentless and fucked up you are, people will still throw millions of dollars at you.

The Kardashians, for dispelling the myth you can be both rich and smart.

Paula Abdul, whose absence will make American Idol a little easier to stomach.

Jesus Christ, who, even after taking some lackluster parts on South Park and Family Guy, and turning down a gig in Vegas, still has a couple billion people awaiting his return. That is talent.

Celebrity Haiku

2009-11-25T21:36:00.003-05:00

I am long overdue in giving you, my readers, a fresh installment of celebrity haiku. So for your enjoyment (and moreso for mine), here it is, with a few New Moon goodies thrown in:

I ogle Jacob's abs
but it makes me feel dirty
he is a minor

K. Stew in New Moon
she's almost tolerable
that makes me frowny

Levi Johnston pics
he actually looks hot but
no Johnston johnson

Lambert on TV
bondage and blowjobs galore
there was singing too?

The Muppets sing Queen
disturbing and amusing
miss you Jim Henson

Justin Bieber foot
broken and now in a cast
who the hell is he?

Shut Your Mouth

2009-11-18T21:57:00.003-05:00

I am so sick and tired of people telling me what to eat. There are all these websites out there talking about how awful this food or that food is. One popular item to vilify is the bread bowl pasta from Domino's. It has been called fitness suicide, scary, appalling, contributing to American obesity and an abomination against humanity.

Seriously? Abomination? Are they in cahoots with the anti-gay warriors? Men having sex with each other and pasta in a bread bowl are leading the country down a path to hell? It's flour, people. If I am going to burn for eternity, it better be for something a lot more fun than some pasta and bread.

This sucker weighs two pounds and is filled with butter and cream sauce. Of course it's gonna be bad for you. What is the big deal with having a totally unhealthy delicious splurge once in a while? It's like the models and actresses who are proud they haven't eaten a piece of chocolate in 10 years. Whoop de frickin do. You want an award? Exactly how does all the deprivation benefit them? Do they really think one candy bar a year is going to make the fat? Because, of course, there is absolutely nothing worse in the world than being fat, right?

I have a love-hate relationship with the Center for Science in the Public Interest. On the one hand, they do pressure restaurants to give out nutritional information for their food, which I fully support. On the other hand, they are too focused on weight instead of health and go overboard in their assessment of foods in order to make big headlines. This is the group that, in the '90s, called fettuccine alfredo a "heart attack on a plate." They also frequently put out a list of the worst foods you can consume. While it's meant as a warning, I consider it a "to do" list of blissful eating.

Here are some of my favorite death foods. Feel free to comment and I will add yours to the list.

Cinnabon - I find food that is as big as your head to be quite satisfying.
Movie popcorn - extra butter, please
Cheese fries - don't forget the bacon
Blooming Onion or any version thereof - My defense: onion is a vegetable.
Anything from Cold Stone in the Gotta Have It size - preferably with peanut butter right from the jar
Blizzards and peanut buster parfaits - Ice cream + chocolate = happy
Deep fried macaroni and cheese - it's portable!
Stuffed crust pizza - with extra cheese, of course
Big Boy hot fudge cake - it takes a genius to put cake and ice cream together in one food
The bevy of syrups at IHOP - If you can still see the pancake, you're doing it wrong.

11/5: Not As Catchy, Still Deadly

2009-11-09T23:27:00.004-05:00

Last week a crazed idiot (and possible Muslim radical) shot 30 people and killed 13 more at Fort Hood, Texas. Speculation is that he shot innocent people because he is against war and didn't want to be sent to fight. News flash: We don't have a draft in this country. If you don't like war, don't join the Army.

In general, slaughtering people is not the way to increase Americans' acceptance of Muslims. He had made life a thousand times tougher for every Muslim in America who works hard for a living, volunteers in their community and genuinely care about this country. When Muslims remind us that Islam is a religion based on peace, people's thoughts will wander Sept. 11 and now Nov. 5.

While he was an intern at Walter Reed Medical Center, he reportedly had "difficulties" and needed counseling and extra supervision. A psychiatrist who needed counseling? Anyone else see a potential problem? Not to mention that he took the Hippocratic oath. Did he plan on patching up his victims after he shot them down?

Some reports say he spouted Allahu Akbar before he opened fire. I agree, God is great, but he does not reward those who murder the innocent.

So on Wednesday, Veterans Day, take the time to remember these people who went to work the morning of Nov. 5 and never returned home:

Lt. Col. Juanita Warman, 55, Havre de Grace, Md.
Maj. Libardo Caraveo, 52, Woodbridge, Va.
Cpt. John P. Gaffaney, 54, San Diego, Calif.
Cpt. Russell Seager, 41, Racine, Wis.
Staff Sgt. Justin Decrow, 32, Plymouth, Ind.
Sgt. Amy Krueger, 29, Kiel, Wis.
Spc. Jason Hunt, 22, Tillman, Okla.
Spc. Frederick Greene, 29, Mountain City, Tenn.
PFC Aaron Nemelka, 19, West Jordan, Utah
PFC Michael Pearson, 22, Bolingbrook, Ill.
PFC Kham Xiong, 23, St. Paul, Minn.
Pvt. Francheska Velez, 21, Chicago, Ill.
civilian Michael G. Cahill, Cameron, Texas.

Another One Bites The Dust

2009-10-24T11:07:00.002-04:00

I am getting scared of my reaction, actually NON-reaction, to all these horrible child murders. When Somer Thompson went missing Monday, my first thought was: A. she's dead B. I wonder how long it will take to find her body.

It seems to happen so often that it doesn't even register on my outrage meter. The only one that made me look twice was the murder of Sandra Cantu, since she was allegedly raped and killed by a woman. Something new in child murder today, I thought. It's really making me sad how little emotion I have for this crime anymore. I see the grieving mothers, the angry fathers. Eh, I say to myself, and change the channel.

I'm just worn out. It feels like every week another young girl goes missing, never to return. I don't hold out hope she will be released, that she is being held by someone who wants a child of their own, that she went missing innocently. I figure some sick sadist kidnapped her, raped her and will kill her before the day is through. Then he'll bury her or dump her somewhere he thinks is a great hiding place, only to be found within a month or so. I have the same feeling when it comes to missing wives/girlfriends. Husband did it. Ho hum. It's just a blip on my radar and then it's gone.

I don't want to be uncaring or cruel. I don't want to feel nothing. I'd like to think that it's a coping mechanism. That if I don't think too hard about these helpless children, it won't keep me up at night. That I purposely do it to ease my burden. But I'm not sure that's the truth. It just may be that I am numb to it. It's like gunshots. When I first started hearing gunshots in my neighborhood a few years ago, it scared me. A lot. I couldn't sleep. And when I could, it was nightmares about being the victim of a drive-by in my sleep. I considered sleeping in the basement or at least on the bedroom floor. Any loud sound freaked me out.

Now, I'm used to it. It doesn't have the impact it once did. I don't live in constant fear. In the beginning, it was "Oh my God, did you hear all those gunshots last night? I'm so scared." Then it became "Eh, more gunshots. What can you do?" And now sometimes it doesn't even warrant a mention over breakfast.

I hope I can gain back some of my humanity. But I fear my shock and concern have died along with those little girls.

Can I Call In Dead?

2009-10-19T23:34:00.001-04:00

For the thousandth time, I have heard this advice in regard to H1N1 flu and the traditional flu: If you're sick, stay home. That sounds great to me. I won't infect anyone else, I'll probably get better faster and hey, it's a few days off from work. Except, there's one little problem: If I don't work, I don't get paid. My company, just like most others, does not offer sick pay to part-time employees. My options are to come to work sick so I get my paycheck, or stay home and wonder how I'll scrimp and save to pay my bills. Ramen for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Wear two extra layers of clothes to bring down the heating bill? Sell some of my fine gold jewelry?

If health is a true concern, businesses would pony up a few sick days a year for every employee. Until last year, the full timers at my company had UNLIMITED sick days at FULL PAY. They only had to have a doctor's excuse if they were gone 3 days or more. Sure, someone might say something eventually if you only show up to work one day a week, but for the most part, they had free reign over when they worked and when they called in sick. Eventually the salad days came to an end for them, and now they can only get paid sick time for a maximum of 10 days a year. Poor bastards. Meanwhile the part time peons still have to drug themselves with Sudafed and try to make it through the day.

So if I spread the swine flu to everyone in the office, sorry bout that. But the bosses just don't think your health and possibly your life is worth roughly $65 a day. But really, what do you care? You'll be at home in your bed with the money still coming in.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

2009-09-30T23:33:00.001-04:00

Is there anything the president or Democrats want that Fox News can't argue against? They opposed health care reform, railed against Obama's trip to push for the Olympics. Today it's shorter summer vacations for children. Oh, how dare we give our children more schooling and try to set them up for a prosperous future. Let them spend all summer playing video games. Let them forget half of everything they learned all school year. Let them be ignorant. They could always get a job as a right wing commentator.

Fox cites major cuts to tourism and summer camps if students and teachers are "forced" to have more school days. Seriously, Fox? Why don't you advocate against finding a cure for cancer? After all, it will put scientists out of work, not to mention doctors, x-ray techs, wig makers and funeral directors. And then the economy will tank and they can blame it on the Democrats.

Duck And Cover

2009-09-29T23:13:00.003-04:00

I live in a midsize city, about 50,000 people. Big enough to have a Bennigan's, Applebee's, more McDonald's than I can count. And like other cities, we have violent crime, blight, people escaping to the burbs, budget problems, an inadequate amount of police officers, car industry layoffs, high unemployment. Believe it or not, our murder rate is down from last year, as the police chief likes to remind us. But he glosses over the fact that while fewer people are dying, increasingly higher numbers of people are being shot. Four people have been shot in the past week. Keep in mind those are only the ones people actually reported. Three children have been shot in the past month; one died.

So now comes the outrage and tough words from community leaders and concerned citizens. We're urged to come together, step up, unite as one, save our city. How, exactly, am I supposed to do that? I'm not committing crimes. I don't have any children running wild in the streets. I call police to report suspicious activity. I've done volunteer work with youth. I am not responsible for this.

The people that need to step up are the mothers who do not take care of their children. And I say mothers because an obscene amount of children in this city live in a one-parent household. Women in this area are not known for using birth control, and men in this area are not known for taking responsibility for their children, financial or otherwise. I am not speculating on the cause, and I am not singling out any one race, for it is rampant across all ethnicities. But in my opinion, the number one reason for crimes committed by minors in this part of the country is lack of supervision and discipline. A good number of these women just pop out one kid after another for the extra welfare money. They spend their nights with any number of men, and many are drug users. They live in poverty. No, I don't have hard statistics for you on this (And how accurate would it be anyway?). But I call em like I see em. And I see it every day.

And no matter the case, no matter how many people were near the scene of the crime when it happened, no one ever sees anything. Either the witnesses are other criminals who wouldn't dare expose themselves or people who are so loyal to the "code of the street" that they refuse to "snitch." I've never understood that mentality and never will. Sometimes withholding information is as harmful as the original crime. Witnesses have a moral responsibility (and sometimes a legal one) to come forward. But morals are pretty rare among that demographic. And as concerned as these kids seem to be with respect and cred, it only applies to their illegal activities.

We watch the news and see grieving, mourning mothers cry for their "babies" even though most of the "babies" are gang bangers who are responsible for their own death or the mothers live with their children in a drug house or the mother has her own criminal record. They forget to mention these details when they are asking for sympathy and money to bury their dead children.

How do we solve this problem? I know what would help. Police need to pick up every last hood they can find, prosecutors need to bring charges, judges need to lock them up and throw away the key. But there aren't enough police, prosecutors plea bargain every crime, judges either give a watered down sentence to give the hoods "a second chance" or their hands are tied due to sentencing guidelines, and there aren't enough prisons for the ones who do make it that far. Forget about even entertaining the idea of rehabilitation. Even if the money was there, which it isn't, the criminals will go right back to their same neighborhood where trouble will find them whether they're looking for it or not. Better oversight by child protective services is another route, but trusting any government entity to step up to the plate is a pipe dream. Not to mention the less than stellar track record of that department. Positive male role models would help. Young men need someone other than ballers and rappers to look up to.

But in the end, how do we fix this? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Sometimes I fear children are doomed to a life of violence. Sometimes I fear it is too late for an entire generation to turn themselves around. Sometimes I fear it's time to build an ark.

Anarchy In The U.S.?

2009-09-20T11:04:00.005-04:00

While perusing the news sites this morning, I came across some real doozies. Here is my take on the latest headlines:

UN shock report: swine flu 'could kill millions; pandemic may result in anarchy' -- So glad to see Drudge isn't resorting to sensational headlines. The actual story, from the UK Observer, quotes a "leaked" report saying the poorest nations in the world could see more deaths than rich countries and could result in widespread unrest. Well, there's breaking news. Sheesh. But writing a proper headline just wouldn't get as many hits. Why not write "Swine flu turns people into zombies, stock up on ammo." Cause, hey, you never know.

Report: John Edwards could admit paternity to mistress' daughter -- Yawn. Anyone with half a brain already figured this out months ago. Politically he is done for, so he can go back to being a cheating bastard. I just hope his wife sees the light at some point, gives him a kick in the balls and lives out the rest of her life with some happiness.

Leno's ratings fall, as expected -- Good. Go away already. He agrees to leave "The Tonight Show" and gives it to Conan O'Brien, but then the fame whore decides he still wants to be on TV. So he moves his show to 10 p.m., hoping to take all his geriatric viewers with him. Class act.

Naked woman found with throat slashed in condo in Central Park South's Essex House -- This is today's top story in the category of violence against women. A maid found Andree Bejjani, the president of a real estate firm out of Dubai, was found naked with a knife sticking out of her neck at this luxury hotel. Derrick Praileau, the head of housekeeping, has been arrested. His explanation is basically, "Yeah, I went into her condo. I saw her dead body. I didn't tell anybody. But I didn't have anything to do with it." I wish they would fry him right along with Annie Le's murderer, Raymond Clark. Allegedly, I mean. Wouldn't want to get sued.

Insane killer escapes on trip to county fair -- Who knew insane killers had field trips? Out in Spokane they do. Except Phillip Arnold Paul (why do they always have three names?) happened to wander away. And this isn't the first time he tried to escape. And it seems this was premeditated. And there's allegations the cops weren't notified for a few hours so the mental hospital chaperones could look for him, trying to save their own asses. And even his doctor was afraid of him. And his biggest supporter is a guy who calls himself "Coyote." And yet no one thought maybe this field trip was a bad idea?

You Want To Put Your Balls Where?

2009-09-13T15:14:00.004-04:00

Oh, Serena. So rich, so talented, so stupid.

So here is my take on the now infamous incident at the U.S. Open: The rant was not why she lost the match. Yes, it sealed her fate on the court, but only after several other factors ruined her chances. She could have made it to the finals if:

she had not lost the first set
she had not lost the second set
she had not smacked her racket against a post earlier in the match
she had not (allegedly) stepped over the line on match point

And what exactly did she say to that judge? She made (from what I could see) three trips over to the judge to make comments. TMZ does have some audio from one of those tirades. You can hear her mentioning shoving a tennis ball down the woman's throat. Did she explicitly say "I want to kill you" or something in that vein? I don't know. Though I would think shoving a tennis ball down someone's throat would, in fact, render them dead.

I understand that at such a crucial point in the match, tension is high. But it also reflects a person's character. Her first reaction to the stress was to yell, curse, blame someone else and threaten them. Not good sporting behavior, not good behavior in general.

Juxtapose that with Venus' reaction, shown on camera, watching from the audience. She was not yelling, booing, pointing fingers. She did not outwardly show outrage. She just looked worried, concerned. She knew how significant the call was, she also knew how crucial her sister's reaction to it would be.

I also reject the belief that judging should only happen some of the time. Russian player Marat Safin made this remark regarding foot faults: "Especially in the important moments you shouldn't call it." The game has rules. The game couldn't exist without them. Rules should be followed and enforced on every point. No free passes for "important" moments. Every point leads to the conclusion of the game; therefore, every point is important.

In the end, a long chain of bad playing is ultimately what led to her loss. Not a judge out to get her, not racism, not a bad call. Just a poor performance from an otherwise outstanding player. It happens to the best of them.

Fat Dollars Count, Too

2009-09-10T12:52:00.000-04:00

I came across this article over the weekend and one line particularly peeved me. "Some retailers, including Old Navy, Banana Republic and Ann Taylor, have taken their plus-size collections out of stores and are selling only online – which some experts say plus-size shoppers prefer."

To begin, crappy reporting. You don't make a claim without attribution. "Some experts" doesn't cut it. Specific names and explanations of what makes them an "expert" is needed.

Next, that is probably the most incorrect assessment anyone has ever made in regard to plus size shopping. I don't even know any straight size women who prefer to shop online. Relegating plus sizes to the internet is just another way to say we don't want you in our stores, we don't care about you. It also sends the message that plus size women must be ashamed of themselves and don't dare step out in public.

Online only means plus size women cannot try on clothes. And since every line cuts their clothes differently, you can be a different size in every brand. Who wants to buy every item in two or three sizes and then send half of it back? Or take their chances that an item might fit?

It also prevents them from feeling normal, which I think the high end stores like. They don't want plus size women to be happy with themselves. They want to shame them into dieting and depriving their body until they conform to the norm of the idiots in charge. Not being able to walk into a store and buy hip clothing tells them there is something wrong with them. It deprives them of the chance to be seen in a clothing store that is young or trendy. It deprives them of the chance to shop with their thinner friends.

Why not just hang a sign in the window that says "No fat asses allowed?" Because no matter how the industry tries to sugar coat it, it's what they really mean. Stores will reluctantly take the money of bigger women, but only if they don't step foot into their bricks and mortar stores, so as not to sully their image.

I urge women, as always, to create action with their dollars and their words. Don't buy from a company that won't sell plus sizes in their stores, don't support a company that relegates plus sizes to two racks in the basement. Then send a letter to the head of every company you refuse to buy from. Tell them exactly how you feel and how much money they lost because they are prejudices.

I know it will limit choices in an already small market, but there is no other way to make a statement. Use your curves to hit them where it really hurts: their bottom line.

Teacher, Can I Go To The Bathroom Before The Indoctrination Starts?

2009-09-08T17:55:00.003-04:00

There's this big brouhaha about the president giving a speech to school children . Perhaps you've heard about it once or twice now. Parents are demanding their children be exempt from the speech. Schools are hemming and hawing over whether to show it.

I guess I'm just too innocent. To me, if I were a kid in school, I'd think it was pretty cool that the president cared about me. I have been keenly aware of politics most of my life. I've always had a strong opinion on the president. But even with the ones I didn't particularly care for, I still respected him and would have felt special knowing the president was speaking to kids across the country.

I don't believe Obama is trying to brainwash America's children. I mean, did anyone even look at the speech before they started ranting and raving? Encouraging kids to pay attention in school, respect their elders, don't give up, practice good hygiene. Scandalous stuff, isn't it?

My favorite comment of the morning came from Mo Rocca via Twitter: "Take a good long loving look at your kids as they leave for school this morning. They'll be coming home commie bastards."

Don't Make Us Turn This Van Around

2009-09-05T12:47:00.004-04:00

UPDATE 9-6-09: Van Jones has resigned.

I've been hearing a lot about Van Jones (the president's pick as the green jobs adviser) lately. How he is undiplomatic, prejudiced, unfit for his position. I read how he called Republicans assholes, said only white kids commit mass murder at schools, how Bush is like a crackhead. I was appalled. I started drafting a post about how he should be removed from office.

Then I did a little more digging to find the videos of him making these statements. And as I watched, I laughed. Because the guy is funny. I don't deny that the "asshole" remark was out of line, but it was funny. He is doing something we all wish we could do: Say what we think. Everyone is so politically correct and afraid to offend anyone that we censor ourselves constantly. Hell, even I don't sign my name to this blog. The only way we feel we can reveal our true thoughts is anonymously.

I also realized while watching the videos that there is such a thing as taking a quote out of context. Because when you watch, you see he is trying to help white teenage boys from committing crime. He is trying to save the world's resources while making fun of Bush.

Watch for yourself and see how you react. Do you think Van Jones needs to be removed from office or do you think more people in office should be like Van Jones?

Columbine clip here.

Crackhead clip here.

Asshole clip here.

For The Person On Your Christmas List Who Has Everything

2009-08-21T19:46:00.003-04:00

Words really cannot describe how I feel about these two products. They make me want to laugh, they make me want to cry. And birdman3501, your comment made my week. Please take a peek. But be forewarned: Once you see it, you can't unsee it. NSFW. Click Here.

And if you are tired of the whole idea of celebrities as gods whose every breath must be captured around the clock, do Click Here as well.

Can somebody answer the phone?

2009-08-18T21:24:00.004-04:00

So Gwyneth Paltrow always talks about living clean and detoxing. She recommended a plan by Dr. Alejandro Junger called Clean. I thought I might check it out. He claims doing his plan can cure stomach troubles, depression, all kinds of ickies.

It's supposed to be a two week plan. Yeah, it'll feel like a long time, I tell myself, but it's not sooo bad, right? That's until I find out you have to do an elimination diet first for at least two weeks. So I'm up to a full month of eating good crap (and that is not an oxymoron).

The usual suspects are banned: dairy, red meat, white flour. But you must also give up oranges, bananas, oatmeal, peanut butter and tomatoes. Chocolate is also forbidden, but I was tickled to find it listed under condiments. Do other people sprinkle a little dark chocolate on their steak or dip their fries in chocolate syrup? Wait, that is an awesome idea. I'm gonna write that down.

The basic plan is 2 liquid meals a day with one sensible meal. Where have I heard that before? The liquid meals are either fresh juice, smoothies or soup, all homemade. Did I mention you must also buy a juicer and a blender and a reverse osmosis water purifier? Yeah, you need those. too.

Now let's talk about all the supplements he suggests you take while cleansing. They're not required, but highly recommended: A fiber supplement, a probiotic pill, oil of oregano, garlic cloves, olive oil and a supplement for liver support. But wait, if you call within the next 10 minutes, the good doctor will give you all this plus yummy brown rice shake powder for the low, low price of $350. Go ahead, I'll give you time to pick up your jaw from the floor.

He also gives us these helpful tips: use your lungs (pretty sure that's what alive people do) and chew your liquids. Eh?

And then doc gets a little more personal. He tells us that in a perfect world, you should have a bowel movement after every meal. So if you don't have one at least once a day while on the cleanse, you must "make it happen." I quickly skipped ahead, not wanting to know the specifics of that one. Plus, you must drink enough water that you are peeing at least once an hour. So between the peeing and the pooping, don't plan on going anywhere or doing anything for the next month.

Then comes the kicker: Doc says you might not be able to tolerate foods like you used to. Back that train up. You mean I may never be able to eat a piece of pizza or a cookie again without considerable physical, mental and emotional pain? It's kale and chia smoothies for the rest of my life? (Seriously, there is such a thing as a chia seed. Not sure if excessive consumption will cause you to grow grass instead of hair.) That is not a risk I am willing to take.

So let's tally this up: a water filtration system, blender, juicer, food, supplements, time off of work cause you're stuck in the bathroom all month ... that's at least $2,000 easy.

Starvation: free.

Guess which route I'm going?

Get Drunk Today For A Better Tomorrow

2009-08-08T19:15:00.003-04:00

Michigan is proposing an increase in "sin" taxes. Cigarettes would have an extra quarter tacked on, bringing the total taxes on a single pack to $2.25. And the beer tax (sit down before you read this) is going to DOUBLE. Double? How dare the government raise the tax so high! Where are the rights of the people? Oh, what's that? You say the tax is only 1.9 cents, so doubling it makes the tax still less than a nickel? Um, well, shame on you liberal media.

So here's my problem -- What's the problem? Nobody needs cigarettes or beer. If they choose to indulge, they'll have to pay a little more. If it's too costly, maybe they'll stop. Either way, doesn't bother me much.

But keep in mind that I would never air this opinion in public. The Michiganders are going ballistic. My favorite argument is that it will hurt the poor. Two reasons I hate this argument: 1. Not ever poor person smokes and boozes it up. 2. If you didn't smoke and drink, maybe you wouldn't be poor. (Heartless, ain't I?)

The other big complaint is that it doesn't affect everyone; let government tax something everyone uses. My response: No, thank you. The best part is that is doesn't affect everyone. It's a voluntary tax, in my opinion.

I will concede one point. Nickel and diming every drinker and smoker in that state is not going to solve any big problems. Sweeping reforms needs to be made to the budget to keep Michigan afloat. If I really believed drinking beer would better unemployment rates and fix every lousy road, I'd become an alcoholic. I care that much.

Settling For The Possible Dream

2009-08-01T22:05:00.003-04:00

What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to wear pretty dresses, have lots of fans, mesmerize people with my voice.

But once I realized I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, I aimed lower. Something medical, I thought. How about a pharmacist. Not a doctor, not a nurse, but a drug pusher. Maybe I could manage that. And so it continued.

In high school I gave up on straight A's and honor roll, and focused on just passing my classes. I didn't even entertain dreams of going away to a prestigious college and just signed up at community college.

When it came to joining the work force, settling for part-time and entry level was just my speed.

When did I stop dreaming big? When did I stop believing in myself?

My first instinct is to blame my parents. I don't remember them telling me I could be anything I wanted. I don't remember being encouraged to reach for the stars. At least that's how I recall it. Maybe I just don't want to give them any credit because then it means it's all my own doing.

So why do I allow myself to settle? Probably because I don't think I deserve the best. I've never felt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. And there is no fear of failure if you set out to be average.

I wish this was the part of the story where I tell you how I'm going to turn over a new leaf, reach for the stars, insert cliche here. But I don't know if I'm ready to start dreaming again. Adulthood sucks away the part of you that believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy and being president. It makes you practical and pragmatic. Maybe I can relearn the skill, maybe not. But every time I sing along to my favorite song and lose myself in it, I feel the slightest shiver of hope.

If She Moves That Damn Football One More Time

2009-07-26T01:48:00.003-04:00

I thought I would fill you in on a few comics I have been enjoying lately. Some bizarre, some hilarious, but all worth checking out.

Garfield Minus Garfield - Just as it states, it's the Garfield strip with Garfield removed from the frames. It turns Jon into a brooding, unstable sort. Fascinating.

The Nietzsche Family Circus - Watch as Dolly, Jeffy and the rest spout dark quotes from Friedrich Nietzsche while looking cute and innocent.

Rock Paper Cynic - You'll either get the jokes and feel superior to others, or laugh hysterically to cover up the fact you ain't got a clue.

Get Fuzzy - Because all pets should have a last name.

Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet - Before there was Nick Burns, there was Helen.

Everywhere Daddy Daddy

2009-07-20T22:56:00.002-04:00

What is it with men and beards? I'm not talking about wisened old men or Santa Claus. Young, attractive, interesting, talented men. Do they think it looks good or is it more of a "I'll do what I want" rebellion? I'm not talking goatees or scruff, but full on hairy monsters attached to their face. Really, why does anyone want to look like Alan from "The Hangover"?

It's rampant on the music world. Ray LaMontagne comes to mind immediately. Maybe it gives folk singers street cred. I laughed when I Googled "Ray LaMontagne no beard" and Google auto completed it for me. Guess I'm not the only one who wonders what he really looks like.

Are these guys trying to cover up warts, moles, an extra eye? Are they in the witness protection program? Want to save food for later and are too lazy to get a takeout box?

Next up ... the sad, sad situation of the chinstrap.

Killer Cheese

2009-07-12T18:59:00.002-04:00

(Caveat: This report originally aired on ABC Nightly News and in its entirety does mention, briefly, that the side effects of the meal were reversed. However, that section was entirely cut out of the GMA piece.)

I happily call out junk journalism when I see it. I saw plenty last week on Good Morning America. It was an interesting idea. Get 2 healthy people, do bloodwork, cardiac ultrasound, etc. to get a baseline reading. Then have them eat 6,000 calories of food - fried mac and cheese from Cheescake Factory, a quesadilla burger (and fries, which were never mentioned in the GMA piece) from Applebee's and an Uno's mega size deep dish sundae (which is a bigger version of their standard sundae and contains 4 servings, also not mentioned).

The foods were picked from the list by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, who, while doing a service by revealing calorie counts of foods, is too heavy on the commentary. Thanks for the info, now let me make my own decisions. I am an intelligent human being. I know 3,000 milligram of salt is bad, 1,500 calories for an appetizer is bad. I don't need commentary like "it's the ideal meal if you've got a big mouth - and want belly, bottom, hips ... to match." Or calling Olive Garden's fettuccine alfredo a "heart attack on a plate." Good thing they're not into sensationalism and scare tactics, right?

And let me add I am all for nutritional info being available to all. I wish every place that serves food would be required by law to let people know what they are eating. In New York City and Los Angeles, laws mandate that nutritional info has to be displayed, and restaurants comply. So why the companies refuse to tell anyone outside those cities what is in their food is beyond me. I have scoured the net looking for a New Yorker to compile info from places such as Outback and Applebee's, who are notorious for keeping their food secrets. No luck so far.

But back to the story. Neither of the participants, a slender woman and a more rotund man, could finish the food (such pussies). I'd gladly pig out for the interest of science. The same tests were repeated after the meal, and test results showed narrowing of the arteries, visible fat in the blood and overall bad news.

But what gets me is that their health returned to normal within 6 hours. On GMA, the only mention of this was after the entire piece was over, when Diane Sawyer hurriedly and off-handedly said, oh, well, everything went back to normal later. Now onto the next story.

Huh? Everything returned to normal? Isn't that kind of the most important part of the story? That all the "damage" was negated within a few hours. So how are people supposedly dying from junk food when their health returns to normal after a big greasy meal?

I'm sure doctors could offer some insight, but instead of focusing on this most remarkable part of the story, the reporter just stressed how important it is to eat right, exercise, blah, blah.

So in honor of this skewed report, I think I'll go out for some "heart attack on a plate." Put 911 on your speed dial.

http://abcnews.go.com/WN/Health/story?id=8013761&page=1

A Duck May Be Somebody's Mother

2009-07-04T23:10:00.003-04:00

Hope everyone had a safe and happy Independence Day. Despite my near-constant melancholy, I still enjoyed a fireworks show tonight. But do remember that fireworks are not what the 4th is about.

It's about my right to blog about whatever unimportant thing I feel like, and about your right to read (or not) about it. It's about our right to free elections and then having the right to complain if your chosen candidate doesn't win. It's about our right to attend any church we want, or none at all. It's about those who lost their lives simply because they were American. And it's about the millions who have died defending our nation and our freedoms, and those who serve the U.S. military today in every corner of the world.

For all of this country's fault and problems, I am proud to be an American. So should you.

Remember The Time

2009-07-04T00:50:00.002-04:00

Everybody has something to say about the death of Michael Jackson, so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon. I'm not going to dissect his life or make guesses to his criminal guilt or innocence, just going to share some memories I have of him and his music I enjoyed while
growing up. Honestly, Gary Glitter repulses me, but how many times have you sang along to Rock and Roll Part 2, and continue to? Separate the music from the person.

I have many more Michael Jackson-related memories than I expected. The first thing that came to mind was my old record player -- a Michael Jackson record player, the suitcase type. It had his picture on the cover, wearing a sweater vest and nose #2 or #3. Currently, they are selling on eBay for anywhere from $11 to more than $300. From the eBay listings I also gather it came with a microphone so you could sing along. No idea where my mic went.

I think I will hold onto the player in the misplaced hope that it will be worth even more in a few years, then find after the memorial glut is over that it is worthless. Ah, well. At least it still works.

I don't recall ever having a MJ album, but I did have my very own copy of We Are The World. I was playing it so much my mom was afraid I would scratch her copy, so I was given my
own. I was proud.

I still have a necklace of a glittery MJ glove. It is a right-hand glove with three faux diamonds. It was a treasured piece back in the day.

I once did a dance routine to one of his songs in my dance class recital, though I can't remember which song. And yes, we did the moonwalk. The outfit included a black leotard, black tights, a sequin belt, a weird puffy white hat and one glove. Oh, and don't forget the tap shoes.

I don't recall this happening, but several family members corroborate it. Apparently I saw "Thriller." I don't know how I managed, since I am pretty sure my mom did what she could to prevent it, but I did see it at my aunt's house. I was 3 years old. Sometime later that night, I heard a door creak and flipped out, letting out a blood curdling scream. Yep, too young.

In elementary school, one of the higher grades performed "Man in the Mirror" for an assembly.

My cousins and I spent an entire sleepover singing "Remember the Time."

I recall not liking the video for "Bad" but loving "Fat." And I adored "Billie Jean," especially when the sidewalk lit up. That was some awesome technology.

I watched the movie"The Wiz" and remember not quite understanding why everyone kept singing. I was later told it was a rare form of entertainment called a musical.

I wanted to go to Disneyland to see "Captain EO" cause it was in 3-D.

Michael Jackson (and Alfonso Ribeiro) reinforced my love of Pepsi.

If any of my 3 readers would like to share memories of Michael Jackson, please do so in the comments.

Sha-mo'.

Thank You, Don't Come Again

2009-06-30T00:05:00.003-04:00

A local paper had a letter to the editor recently by a woman who complained that workers don't give 100% anymore. She says she works at a store that sells fine fragrances, so you know its upscale, and pats herself on the back for her excellent customer service. She then goes on to bash people who work at fast food places and says if they dislike their job so much, they should get a different one. Sure, they'll just dust off their master's degree and get a job in rocket science.

These people are at that job because there is no alternative. They have bills to pay, kids to feed, ungrateful customers to serve day in and day out for minimum wage. Half of them probably leave the drive-thru window and go work a second job or go home to take care of children, alone, a full time job itself.

And has she not noticed the unemployment rate in the US is now 9.4%? No matter who you are, no matter how awful the work, it's foolish to abandon your job until you find a new one, but conveniently no one is hiring.

So Miss Prissy Pants, the next time you go to the drive-thru for your iced capp (without whipped cream, of course) and salad with lowfat dressing on the side, while wearing your designer suit, just say thank you and drive away. Not everyone can live the good life like you do.

I'm Not Knocked Up, Give Me A Buck

2009-06-24T20:29:00.003-04:00

Just read about a really innovative program in North Carolina to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Girls 12-18 (who have a sister that had a baby before age 18) are given $1 a day for not getting pregnant. The money is saved in an interest-bearing account and can't be cashed in until they enroll in college. In exchange, they must attend a meeting once a week.

The program director says nearly 100 percent of the girls who graduate from the program also graduate from college.

What I really love about this initiative is that it doesn't seem to be preaching anything to these girls or have any ulterior motives. It doesn't demand abstinence. It is not religion-based. It asks only of the girls' time and attention.

But while I suspect many girls are initially motivated by the money, it's really the support that keeps them from getting pregnant. The meetings offer them the chance to talk to other girls their age about the pressures of teen sex; the adults in the program are there to listen, not judge. It gives them a place to feel accepted and learn their true worth. Much better than threatening them with eternal damnation, isn't it?

Lindsey Graham ... Was He The Guy From Fleetwood Mac?

2009-06-23T16:54:00.002-04:00

Another day, another diss. I wish politicians would spend more time doing their jobs and less time tearing each other down.

So on the daily Obama bashing page, aka Fox News, Repubs are mad that Obama hasn't threatened to nuke Iran over the election ... or something to that effect.

"The president of the United States is supposed to lead the free world, not follow it," Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham said Sunday. Funny, I thought the president of the United States was supposed to lead the United States. Why don't we go the "Futurama" route and elect a president of earth. Then we can finally take out that wannabe planet Pluto.

Obama has said very little about the elections, but reiterated the right of peaceful protest. For once, a president is focusing on the problems here in America, you know, where we live. He is updated on the Iran situation and I believe he is following it carefully. But he is minding his own business. And that is truly remarkable for any American.

If Bush were still in office, by now he would have interrupted the prime time shows to get his face on TV, called Ahmadinejad some cutesy nickname, threatened him, smirked and then invoked God's name in there somewhere. You know, generally piss off or alienate everyone in that country. I'm quite enjoying the alternative.

If Obama tells the Iranians to protest their hearts out, some of them will end up dead and he'll be blamed for it. If he demands a recount, he will be accused of butting into matters that aren't his business. If he threatens their president, he will be seen as putting the world in danger.

Bottom line: No matter what Obama says or doesn't say, it will be wrong in the eyes of the Republicans. And it doesn't matter what the Repubs do, cause the Dems will complain. There may be a few moments of agreement (hell, some days I can't stand Nancy Pelosi, either), a few shows of solidarity for the cameras, but we know how the game is played. You can't stop it. It's like trying to nail Jell-o to the wall.

Others Palin Comparison

2009-06-17T23:58:00.003-04:00

I wasn't watching David Letterman the night he made the infamous joke about Sarah Palin's daughter. In fact, it was several days into this whole brouhaha that I even heard the joke at all. I noticed the headlines but didn't pay much attention, didn't read the full story. Just Palin looking for publicity, I thought.

Then when I really did hear the joke, I laughed. I know that isn't politically correct or feminist or any of the other things people are supposed to be, but I thought it was funny. I hear comedians make jokes about celebs and politicians all day long. I don't flinch. I watch The Daily Show and
Colbert Report. I read TMZ , Television Without Pity and tons of other snarky blogs.

I don't believe the joke was done with malice. It didn't attack the girl's looks or smarts. I actually thought it was more a slam on A-Rod and his man-whore ways. I realize everyone's sense of humor is different. People have the right to not like Letterman's humor. But to make such mountains out of molehills is ridiculous. If every comedian had to apologize to every person they ever offended, it would take years. Assembly Minority Leader Brian Kolb was so distraught that he wrote to CBS urging them to fire Letterman. Our government dollars at work.

And I hate to play the favoritism cards, but Leno made a similar joke when Bristol Palin was pregnant, insinuating the baby's father was John Edwards. Golden boy Leno didn't' get any flack for that crack.

In the interest of keeping the peace, I do think Letterman should stop making jokes about Palin's children. Being part of that family, they have enough problems as it is.

I'll Take Potpourri for $1000, Alex"

2009-06-04T19:06:00.004-04:00

I was totally creeped out by the Quizno's commercials for the new torpedo sandwiches. The oven talks to the male worker, asking him to "put it in me" and "say it sexier." They're trying to sell a sandwich, right? Cause I shouldn't feel that dirty after watching a food commercial. Well, it seems they have toned it down. I just saw a tamer version of one of the spots today, though some markets have had the more innocuous version for a while. I also saw many other discussions about the commercial that likened it to gay porn. I just am not a gay porn aficionado, but if you are, feel free to chime in. It makes me long for these old ads.

Minute Maid, on the other hand, made me laugh with a new commercial for its enhanced juice. It shows how a brain boost can prevent an awkward situation.

This quote comes from Heidi ~~Montag~~ ~~Pratt~~ the less stupid half of Speidi after eating bugs on I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here: "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever put in my mouth." There are just so many things I could say about that. Maybe I'll just leave it alone. But I do give her credit for knowing the difference between the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene.

The Montauk Monster mystery may have been solved. A man says he and his friends found a dead raccoon and decided to build a funeral pyre and send it out to sea. "In the interest of full disclosure," he added, "this did happen shortly after a waterboarding endurance competition, and just before a clothespins-on-your-genitals challenge." Make of that what you will.

Was David Carradine's death another Michael Hutchence incident? (The actor was found naked, hanging from a rope in the closet of his Thai hotel room.) While he has publicly admitted suicidal thoughts, a representative for the actor claims it was accidental.

Because we need good Britney Spears news: Here is a video of her two sons dancing to "Toxic." Maybe they should join her tour.

Not Again

2009-05-31T20:55:00.003-04:00

Have you heard of Nevaeh Buchanan of Monroe, Mich.? You should. She is 5 years old with brown hair and brown eyes. She is 3 feet, 8 inches tall, weighing just 45 pounds. And she is yet another child who has been abducted from her home and not seen since.

The scariest part of this case is that it may have been preventable. Two of the main "persons of interest," George Kennedy and Roy Smith, are friends of her mother, 24-year-old Jennifer Buchanan. Did I mention both men are sex offenders? That one is the mother's ex-boyfriend? And that she was fully aware that her ex was a convicted sex offender? That she described him as a "father figure" to the little girl?

Jennifer Buchanan also had the nerve to say this to the press: "Everyone is so judgmental because they don’t know me."

Perhaps the reason people are being judgmental is because anyone with a brain in their head knows that when you have a child, their health and safety come first. Boyfriends, partying, all that should be put on hold, or at the very least not come at the expense of the child. Sadly, the cops haven't ruled out this woman as a suspect, either.

But it's not just Jennifer Buchanan who has, to say the least, horribly bad judgment. There are hundreds of cases where the mom's boyfriend harms the woman's child. They let near-strangers have total access to their kids.

Just one hour north, in Detroit, police are still trying to find 2-year-old Tangena Hussain, who went missing in October while in the care of her mother's boyfriend, who is a suspect in a kidnapping and rape case.

Are women so desperate for love/sex/support that they will endanger their children to get it? Until that answer is a unanimous no, say a prayer for the missing.

My Life In Lolcats

2009-05-26T22:32:00.013-04:00

Today I offer a visual blog of my daily life. Enjoyz.

How I feel about turning a year older:

How I feel about my appearance:
(BTW, that is my exact kitchen floor, only much cleaner)

What I'm doing to combat the above:

How I wish I spent my Saturday mornings:

How I really spend my Friday nights:

How I've been feeling about my job lately:

And what that could lead to:

My attempts to make new friends:

My luck with the opposite sex:

And my general overall mood:

Your Cell Or Mine?

2009-05-22T00:02:00.002-04:00

Why are people freaking out so much about moving Guantanamo prisoners to the U.S.? Do they think the people in American prisons are harmless? A terrorist is just another mass murderer. Think of all the crazy killers currently serving time in prisons here: Charles Manson, Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker), David Berkowitz (Son of Sam), Dennis Rader (BTK), the list goes on. It's also disturbing that the media gives a nickname to so many murderers, but that's a whole other story.

Personally, I would feel better having them imprisoned here than in their home countries. If they are deported, the government will probably lose track of them. Most of their native countries are sympathetic to their actions, and we run the risk of them being released or escaping, and never knowing where they went.

I'm not sure if guards would be allowed to use the same tactics as in Guantanamo, like showing them pictures of nekkid women and blasting rock music, but I can imagine a few minutes alone with the general population would be enough to scar them for life. Let's give it a try.

Jon and Kate Plus Adultery

2009-05-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one delighting in the screwed up mess that is the marriage of Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame on TLC?

Let me bring you up to speed. First he was hanging out at a college with young co-eds, then with a 20-something teacher while the wife was out of town, then the teacher's brother confirmed the affair while the teacher herself denied it, and now Kate is accused of cheating with a bodyguard. Somewhere in there I think they're raising some kids or something.

The joys of schadenfreude. This couple has always seemed self-absorbed, preoccupied with their appearance and image, and just a bad fit all around. In the interview segments of their show, she criticizes everything he does, then he gets passive-aggressive.

And did I mention she is a clean freak who washes the floor twice a day and won't let the kids eat anything that isn't organic, and he is constantly talking about his diet and is supposed to have a job somewhere, though all we see is him leave the house and return hours later. While the show is supposed to focus on the family in their million dollar house, audiences have been subjected to watching Kate's tummy tuck, Jon's hair plugs, their teeth whitening, a second honeymoon that just screams awkward and a renewal of vows in Hawaii.

And for your enjoyment, here are a few episode descriptions, from the mundane to the more mundane:

Season 1, Episode 6 -- Jon and Kate decide on remodeling the garage. The garage remodel is going smoothly until Kate brings the kids out into the garage. Will Jon finish the garage?

Season 3, Episode 16 -- Jon and Kate have hopes and plans to one day move out of their current home into a house that is large enough for them to live in forever. So, in an effort to increase their current home's value, they decided to re-carpet most of the house in just one week.

Season 4, Episode 3 -- The Gosselins watch a movie on a Friday night at home.

Season 4, Episode 29 -- Kate attempts to make soup to freeze for the winter season, with unexpected results.

The Opposite of Right

2009-05-12T21:38:00.004-04:00

I was trying to avoid revisiting the Miss California scandal but today's news was just too good to pass up. Hours before Donald Trump held a press conference to determine if she would keep her crown, actual topless photos surfaced. None of this arm over the boobs stuff, there was actual nipple showage.

I thought that would definitely be the nail in her pretty little coffin. But I was wrong. Instead, Trump, being the pig he is, decided that even though she lied about posing for the pictures and breached her contract, she will keep her crown.

Of the pictures, he said, "Some were risque, but we are in the 21st century." Indeed, we are. So why is this question asked of the contestants at all, especially if it isn't enforced? Carrie Prejean was also criticized for giving interviews without pageant permission, another no-no.

Then Trump had this to say about her "opposite" and gay marriage answer, which will make you snort out loud: "Carrie is totally beautiful, and her answer, because of that, took on greater importance."

The icing on the cake came after Trump was finished and Prejean held a press conference of her own. She said, "On April 19 on that stage I exercised my freedom of speech, and I was punished for doing so. ... This should not happen in America."

Just let that sink in for a minute. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Ready? Good.

Prejean had the nerve to complain her rights were violated, that she was not allowed equal protection under the law.

Wait, what's that noise? Can you hear it? Oh, it's just the bellowing laughter of every gay American.

OMG R WE DED

2009-05-10T10:45:00.005-04:00

I thought the worst we had to worry about when taking mass transit are contagious diseases, unidentifiable stains and strange men with wandering hands. Turns out the biggest menace is the cell phone.

In the second case of a conductor texting while driving, more than 40 people were taken to the hospital after the operator of a Boston trolley slammed the vehicle into a train while texting his girlfriend. Victims were lined up on backboards on the sidewalk like an eerie morgue of the living.

I wonder what the messages were about. What was so important that he risked the lives of hundreds of people? Dinner plans? Booty call?

Of course, it all started last year in LA when a Metrolink train crashed with a freight train, killing 25 people. The conductor was texting and never even attempted to apply the brakes, slamming the into freight train at 42 mph. It also came out later that he sometimes let friends drive the train for fun.

Has anyone mentioned to these people that this is real life and not a video game? You don't get to use an extra life if you crash. There isn't a restart button on a heart that has stopped beating.

Someone needs to be in charge of overseeing the conductors of the trains. Here's a novel idea. When a person is driving a train, maybe their boss could call his/her cell or send a text. If he/she answers, fire them. And the boss wouldn't even have to get off his butt, which is probably resting in an overpriced easy chair in a corner office with a view. See, everybody wins.

The Dead Would Be Grateful If You Left

2009-05-07T20:31:00.003-04:00

I visited a few cemeteries today to take flowers to relatives' graves. While there, one of my biggest pet peeves was renewed: people using the cemetery as a workout center.

The cemetery is supposed to be a quiet resting place for the dead and a place for the survivors to grieve. When I stand at my grandmother's headstone, I don't want to see a sweaty, hairy dude jogging through. Or two soccer moms giggling during their power walk.

This ain't the YMCA, a rec center, a walking track, and it certainly is not a place to walk your dog. Yes, there was a woman walking her dog, letting it run through the grass, over the graves of the dead. Now I suppose when I'm dead I won't care, but really, I would not want some dog taking a piss on my grave. Is that too much to ask?

On a separate cemetery note, how creepy is it when people have their headstones already placed while they are still alive? Next to my aunt is a husband and wife who are still living. They have their pictured on the stone and their birth years.

Do they come to visit it? Is it like taking a test drive before you buy a car? Do they think, "Gee, maybe we should move. The neighbors seem a bit rowdy and this place just doesn't have enough light."

Porcine Plague

2009-05-01T17:49:00.003-04:00

So now the newsreaders are accusing the vice president of fear mongering. Basically, he said that even though it's supposed to be safe, he would advise his family not to travel in confined spaces right now. Let the Fox News battering begin.

What exactly is wrong with his personal view? Do the networks really think people aren't panicked about the swine flu? Oh right, can't call it that because the pork producers threw a hissy. It's H1N1 now, cause that's so much easier to say. I know we're supposed to trust all the experts that say it's all right to travel, blah blah blah. But if the WHO is so pressured by an industry to change the name of the flu,
wouldn't you expect airlines and other travel companies to lobby health organizations to downplay any risk of travel? Don't tell me it doesn't happen. The CDC practically ruined the tomato farmers by mistakenly naming the fruit/veggie as the cause of foodborne illness. When they talk, people listen.

For me, the average American, I'm not going to take any enclosed transportation unless it's absolutely necessary. It's common sense. If you have to be in confined spaces with people, you take the precautions you can - frequent hand washing, not sitting near people who are coughing and sneezing every 10 seconds. But I wouldn't necessarily decide now is the time to take a vacation to Europe that includes a 10 hour flight. Because on flights they have things called assigned seats. And with my luck, I would end up sitting next to Mr. Communicable Disease. And I bet he would hog the arm rest, too.

How ludicrous is it for news media to accuse Biden of fear mongering? Tell me, when was the last time you turned on any news broadcast and didn't see a story on the ~~swine flu~~. Popular topics in the news include: How many people have it? Where will it spread next? How do you know if you're infected? What should you do if you're infected? Should you put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye? At what point should you run down the street, naked and screaming "it's the end of the world"?

Biden is the fear monger? When pigs fly.

Perilous Piggies

2009-04-27T21:33:00.003-04:00

So we are on the precipice of a flu pandemic. This is the first one I have seen in my lifetime and it's scary. And I blame all the rich people. If all the trust-fund babies and honeymooners had stayed their butts home instead of partying it up in Mexico, we might not have this problem. I know, I know, that's not entirely true, but when I have a valid reason to hate the rich, I take it.

I have never seen the allure of Mexico. I'm sure it's pretty, but so are a million other places on earth that don't routinely have kidnappings, drug cartels, food-borne illness and unsafe water. Call me crazy but a vacation spent in a bathroom, or being held for ransom, is no vacation at all. Exciting, yes; fun, no.

The last great flu outbreak, the Hong Kong flu in '68, killed about 1 million people. Do take that number in stride, though, because influenza annually kills between 250,000 and 500,000 people. Still, half a million dead from what we usually consider a bad case of the sniffles is cause for concern.

So what is the U.S. doing to contain this deadly virus? Not a damn thing. Keep traveling to Mexico if you want to, health officials say. We won't stop you. No matter if you come back here and infect millions through a chain reaction.

Want to come into American even if you're sick? Border agents have been advised to watch for people who look sick. So now border agents are expected to play doctor, so to speak. Quit looking for bombs in suitcases and instead look for people with runny noses? I feel so safe. And even if you do have the swine flu, are stopped and questioned, and even if you're referred to someone at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, you still won't be denied entry; you'll just be taken to an American hospital where you can have access to our medical resources AND infect people.

Pork is still safe to eat, the government says. Isn't this the same government that can't even make sure peanut butter won't kill you? I think I'll be taking the B out of my BLT for a while.

As if it wasn't bad enough that our health is at risk, even our money isn't safe. This flu has caused the stock market to lose value on the speculation of travel and tourism losses.

I imagine this thing will be upgraded to a pandemic any day now. How do I know this? The CDC now has a widget for updates. A swine flu widget. God help us all.

The World Health Organization says containment "is not a feasible option." Really? Cause a few days ago when all we knew about were 4 cases, I think attempting containment would have been a viable option. Apparently throwing your hands in the air and saying, "Screw it. We're all doomed" was deemed the best choice.

Curious about midgets?

2009-04-25T10:40:00.003-04:00

Craigslist's founder Craig Newmark said he is not going to change the website in light of the awful murder of Julissa Brisman related to the site. I agree. There are crazies everywhere and if the accused hadn't found his victims through Craigslist, he would have found them another way. Plus, most people have common sense and don't put themselves in danger by meeting strangers in secluded places. There is no reason to shut down a site that provides a good service to people all across the world because of the actions of a few bad apples.

However, I laughed out loud at the comments from the site's chief exec, Jim Buckmaster. He said "I would not describe any section of our site as 'sex related'." HA! Has he ever looked at Craigslist? It's full of women looking for "donations" for sexual activity. I have no problem with prostitution or the ads on the site, but bitch please! Everyone knows exactly what the "erotic services" section is for.

Come on, who here hasn't peeked at that section once or twice? Where else can you find listings like this one: "iam a midget and im ready to please a women. if ya women are curious bout a midget holla at me." Or how about "wanna watch the mets game and play with my bat?" and "let me milk u like a cow." This is quality stuff, people.

Send In The ...

2009-04-20T22:08:00.003-04:00

During a UN conference in Geneva, Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, called Israel the "most cruel and repressive racist regime." Not the way to make friends, is it? You've got papers reporting that Israel is coming to bomb you, the U.S. is pissed at you about nuclear weapons; maybe you should try a little harder to play nice. I support a Palestinian state, and think there must be a way for the Israelis and Palestinians to forge peace, but it won't happen with the help of this guy.

In response, about 40 French and British diplomats walked out. Stood up, took their folders and briefcases and filed out, to much applause from the gallery. A brave and bold move, I believe. It's not every day that people have the guts to stand up for their belief of what is right and wrong. In fact, the U.S. didn't even send any representative to this conference, fearing this exact scenario. Showing some backbone is a great thing.

And did I mention the clowns? See, if you have read this far, there is an awesome payoff. Two guys were dressed in multicolor clown wigs, a scaled-back version of the Jan Brady look, and started throwing clown noses at Ahmadinejad. Alas, their aim was worse than Bush's shoe-thrower, and didn't even come close to hitting him. One was also yelling, "You're a rassist!" I'm thinking he meant racist, but maybe it was some really awful insult in a language I don't understand. They then got in a compact car with 40 of their friends and drove away.

Speaking of standing up for yourself, did you see Miss U.S.A. last night? Neither did I, but here's a clip of Miss California during the question-and-answer round. Perez Hilton asked if gay marriage should be legal. Her answer was awkward and stilted, but obviously, she doesn't. She mentioned her personal beliefs on marriage and how she was raised to believe marriage is between a man and a woman.

My first reaction was to bash on her. But as a friend quickly pointed out, she was asked a hard question and gave her honest answer. True. And she defended herself today in the media, saying "you can never compromise your beliefs and your opinions for anything.” I can appreciate her willingness to stand her ground.

But does being against gay marriage make you a bad person? Is it an acceptable prejudice to have in this country? If she was asked if America should re-instate slavery, and she answered yes, I can pretty much imagine how the night would have ended.

If gay marriage is legalized and becomes a state-sanctioned bond, not a religious one, why is there such furor? If you take religion out of the equation, what is the argument? No one is saying churches should start performing gay weddings, just that two gay or lesbian people should have the option of a civil ceremony and be legally recognized as married. Can American politics ever separate church and state?

Either way, the real winner is not Miss North Carolina (did anyone remember there was a winner last night?) but Perez Hilton. Lovers and haters will be visiting his asinine website in droves now. Did he draw extra cum on Miss Cally's face yet?

This Post Is For You

2009-04-17T20:41:00.003-04:00

If the title of this post does not make sense to you, you are not the "you" I am referring to. But you may still enjoy these links. (You may want to hit pause and let them buffer a bit. I find the SNL site and Hulu have a little lag time for me.)

SNL Favorites:

Bitch Pleeze Part 2 A new favorite.

Nick Burns My company's Nick is named Robert.

Iran So Far and most anything Andy Samberg does, especially Jizz In My Pants. In case you're not familiar with the president of Iran, here is what he really looks like. It's hard to tell the difference.

I could go on forever with SNL clips, but I leave you with Jeopardy.

The awesome crew at WWMX Baltimore I told you so much about. Notice the ShamWow guy on the tv.

Two versions of one of my favorite songs, "Run," by Snow Patrol and Leona Lewis.

Some original Twilight music videos with Kelly Clarkson's "Haunted," using the premise of "New Moon," which I think fits perfectly. : 1 2 3

This is the fanmade "Breaking Dawn" trailer. You can find about a ginormous amount of user-created Twilight media on YouTube. It's good for killing time, about 5 or 6 months.

I'd Like To Feed Him A Knuckle Sandwich

2009-04-15T18:23:00.002-04:00

After seeing Susan Boyle's performance on "Britain's Got Talent," I couldn't help but feel both sad and angry. Here is a woman with a wonderful talent, yet society has always dismissed her. Because she didn't fit the look of a celebrity (i.e. skin and bones, huge boobs, collagen lips, etc.) she was never given a chance to shine.

Though he seems to have eased up a bit the last few years, how many times has Simon Cowell told a performer on "American Idol" that they can't win because they are too fat? (BTW, his expression in the above video is priceless.) Why can society only accept talent if it is accompanied by beauty? There are great actresses who are plus size, so they are relegated to the roles of perky best friend or nerdy best friend. They are not made the lead, no matter how good they are.

How many people in this world are made to feel worthless because of their appearance? How many children are ridiculed at school every single day? How many people are passed over for jobs because they don't have the right image?

It must be Newton's fourth law: For every positive message put out there (think of the beautiful song "Don't Laugh At Me," the work of the NAAFA, the Padded Lilies, Marilyn Wann) there is a negative one (the last.fm group called "We Hate Fat People," posts like these [start at No. 10 and read on, if you can stand it], gossip magazines that report female celebrities must be pregnant if they gain 2 pounds and Old Navy, who will sell clothes to fat people only online so as not to have actual fat people visit their stores).

And for the last time, Mama Cass didn't die from choking on a sandwich, OK? She had a heart attack.

Stand Up To The Bow

2009-04-08T21:18:00.002-04:00

Another day, another manufactured Obama scandal. A new video shows him leaning down toward King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia during a G-20 meeting. Supposedly an anonymous aide said it wasn't a bow, he was just bridging the height gap. But you know what? It looked like a bow.

If Americans are going to start bowing to royalty, so be it. I'm not obsessed with the idea that "America doesn't bow to anyone" or that we're somehow becoming subservient to another country with a single gesture. And if it gets the U.S. a few brownie points with the Arab world, all the better because you may not have noticed, but they hate us.

But he didn't bow to the queen of England, and I'm pretty sure there's a height difference between them. I don't care if he bows or not, but be consistent. We can't afford to piss off England.

So far, there's no official word from the president. But all I ask is that he be truthful. Do not backpedal, downplay or spin what happened. The American president should always have integrity. We've seen how corruption can ruin this country and the last thing we need, especially during this time of economic turmoil, war and rampant crime, is to doubt the credibility of our leader.

Or get the king a phone book to stand on.

I Thought It Was Funny

2009-04-08T00:50:00.001-04:00

At the ACM Awards, Matthew McConaughey told a story about using some cowboy boots to lure a girl, then getting lucky. When Carrie Underwood (a personal favorite) won Entertainer of the Year, she made the comment "I wanna see those boots, Matthew." I thought it was funny and clever.

But now she says she is embarrassed and is even apologizing to him and her family for the remark.

What?? An adult woman is not allowed to make a slightly bawdy joke? It wasn't blatant or vulgar. I've heard things a hundred times worse on prime time tv. Is this a case of a woman not being allowed to be sexual? Or a woman in country music not allowed to say something suggestive because it makes the country boys nervous?

She has absolutely nothing to apologize for, and I hope no one forced her to. Fair and ~~balanced~~ biased Fox News ran a story that says "the moment did turn a little mortifying" and she "caused jaws to drop." Were they watching the same show? What I saw was an audience laughing and enjoying the joke.

This silly story is overshadowing the fact that Carrie Underwood is only the seventh woman ever to win Entertainer of the Year in the 39 years this award has been handed out. That Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland won a Crystal Milestone Award for songwriting, recognizing her as the first solo female since 1972 to win writing honors. That Album of the Year went to a woman. Those are the real stories.

And by the way, Fox, it's called the Academy of Country Music Awards. You might want to take note of the event you're covering.

Lend Me Your Ears

2009-04-06T11:34:00.001-04:00

So having to come up with some grand 100th post has put terrible stress on me. I briefly considered a post that said "This is my 100th post" but thought that was overly cheeky (and a cop-out). So in honor of my birthday and post number 100, I am going to dim the lights and slow things down a bit.

No, it's not a milestone birthday year, but it's close enough that I am spending time taking stock of my life and feeling like the pause button has been on for the last five years. In the hope that ruminating on the past will help the future, here are some hard truths in life, as I have learned thus far.

The people who love you just as you are, are the only ones worth loving back.
Laughter can heal.
What you believe today may not be what you believe tomorrow.
Love comes in many forms.
The only standards you must live up to are your own.
There is no timetable for dealing with sorrow.
No matter how happy you are, you will always want more.
I don't know if prayer works, but it can provide comfort.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to like them.
Accept that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, better; then accept yourself.

But How Will She Afford Bras?

2009-04-02T20:29:00.003-04:00

As I learned that six dear co-workers were losing their jobs due to the piss poor economy, I also heard this horrific news: Scarlett Johansson was just offered a role in Iron Man 2, but would only be paid a quarter of a million dollars. The shock! Thank God she was able to haggle her way up to about half a mil.

Not only are studios slashing salaries of the talent, they also seem unconcerned with the level of talent. (Or perhaps that isn't a new thing. Have you ever seen the work of Kristen Stewart?) One talent rep said, “They’re not fucking around." So if a quarter million isn't good enough for Actor A, then Actor B, C or D will do just fine. One blonde with big boobs is interchangeable for another.

Also, first-dollar gross deals (where the star gets a percentage of the studio's revenue starting with the first dollar the movie makes) are few and far between, leaving actors to lick their wounds with only a seven- or low-eight-figure payday.

Listen up, Hollywood. I know six good people who need jobs, and they would work for only hundreds of thousands of dollars. You'd be getting a great bargain. And I guarantee none of them are any worse than Steven Seagal (who should have paid me to watch his movies).

It's Official! Welcome to goingforbronze.net!

2009-03-29T11:31:00.003-04:00

I am happy to announce that The Underachiever blog now has its own domain name, goingforbronze.net. Tell all your friends.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I bring you a delicious tidbit from Miami. Vince Shlomi, who you might remember from such commercials as ShamWow and Slap Chop, was arrested last month for punching a prostitute. He allegedly paid her $1,000 for some lovin that went horribly, horribly wrong. He says she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go, so his only course of action was to beat her down.

But it gets better. He was staying in a room at the Setai, which goes for $750 bucks a night. The ShamWow guy can afford a $750 a night room? What has the world come to?

Also, when police searched his lady friend, she only had $930 in cash. So either Vince can't count or she raided the mini bar before the cops showed up.

Perhaps the creepiest part of the entire case: The predictions made in the Slap Chop commercial have come true. Vince promises that once you use the Slap Chop, you will "have an exciting life" and "you're gonna slap away every day."

Then again, he also says "you're gonna love my nuts." Well, two out of three ain't bad.

I Spy With My Litte Eye

2009-03-24T23:57:00.005-04:00

*See update at end of post*

Google Maps has just launched Google UK, allowing anyone in the world to virtually walk the streets of London. I logged on the very first day and was so excited to see the Thames, the West End, a random guy puking on the street.

But now crybabies in Britain are threatening this useful tool. People are complaining about their homes being visible to anyone on the internet, that faces and license plates aren't properly blurred, that they were caught doing something stupid and now have to answer for it. And damn Google has backed down, removing images left and right.

Why? If anyone had been walking down the street last July when Google recorded these images, this is what you would have seen in real life. Google does not have live cameras spying on people (even though CCTV is everywhere in Britain so they should be used to it), they didn't photograph anything that wasn't visible to the public, and they are doing a great service to people by providing visual information.

So here's my advice: 1. Google should get a spine and stop blacking out images.
2. Let the whiners whine all they want.
3. Tell everyone you know to visit http://maps.google.co.uk.

UPDATE

Guess what? The Brits still don't like Google. Not to be outdone by the flashy G20 protesters in London, citizens of Broughton in Buckinghamshire physically blocked a Google car, with its tell-tale panoramic camera, from driving down a public street. Their ringleader, Paul Jacobs, says, "How dare anyone take a photograph of my home without my consent?" Apparently his cone of invisibility is not working. Maybe he should start gouging people's eyes out so they can't even look at his house. How dare people store an image of his house in their brain.

Somehow, the residents think that the street view maps are causing burglars to break into their houses. WTF?

Burglar 1: Look, Bob, there's a big house. Let's go rob it.

Burglar 2: Great idea! Let's zoom in. Yes, I see there is a door and some windows. That would be a perfect way to break in.

Burglar 1: And there's a sidewalk. I bet we could travel on that to get to the house.

Burglar 2: Brilliant! And we can even find out who lives there thanks to this spy tool called a phone book.

Then again, these people aren't the most technologically advanced. Said ringleader alerted the townspeople by knocking on their doors. Maybe someday the newfangled thing called a telephone will be introduced in Broughton.

Chinese Rubbers = New Parents

2009-03-24T00:09:00.003-04:00

From the country that brought you poisoned baby formula, toys filled with lead and tainted pet food comes a new export: condoms.

The U.S. Agency for International Development, which provides condoms to poor countries to fight the spread of HIV and AIDS, has decided to put an American condom plant out of business and instead buy Chinese condoms. But hey, what's the loss of 300 jobs these days? Just a drop in the bucket when you can save 3 cents per condom.

So our government is really going to rely on a Chinese-made product to prevent pregnancy and HIV? That's about as smart as having Bernie Madoff invest your money. Hey-o!

Besides the bonus price of 2 cents per condom for the Chinese product, the agency also said it made its choice because “buy American language” was removed from an appropriations bill. In other words, unless they are forced to do the right thing, they aren't going to do the right thing.

Just another fine example of our tax dollars at work: putting people out of work.

It's A Sad, Sad Situation

2009-03-22T21:12:00.002-04:00

A woman from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, is trying to find someone to have sex with her 21-year-old son, Otto, who has Down Syndrome. Her reason is that he should have all the same experiences as any other young man.

I find this quite disturbing on many levels. First off, Otto does not seem overly interested in love, just sex. He does not wax poetic on finding someone to share his life with, only that "I want to have sex." Unfortunately, this seems a little too much like other men. I think it would be healthier if his mother wanted him to find a girl to spend time with and develop a relationship. Like "normal" adults, it could then progress to sex. His mother is so adamant that he get laid that she is considering taking him to a brothel. This borders on the icky.

The mother also wants him to find a "normal" woman. I can't help but think that a "normal" woman would not want a relationship with a man with Down Syndrome. I don't think it would be particularly healthy for either person involved. It's not that this man is unlovable or unworthy, just that it seems exploitative or condescending.

Mumsy also thinks Otto should get a woman knocked up, because it's what other men do. Yes, well, just because other men also rob banks and commit murder doesn't mean your son should, too.

I think the best course is for him to make friends with other young women with similar afflictions. They would understand each other better, have faced the same difficulties, etc. If something develops, great. If not, I don't think resorting to a prostitute would benefit him in any good way. One of the hardest lessons in life, whether you're "normal" or not, is that love is hard to find.

Why Am I Catholic, You Ask? Today I'm Not Sure.

2009-03-18T21:02:00.003-04:00

Every so often I will spout off about my liberal views in support of women as priests, gay marriage, access to birth control and the right to a safe abortion. Often one of my friends is in earshot and will ask me "Why are you Catholic?" Today is one of those days it's harder to justify an answer.

My stock response is that I believe in the basics of the religion. I believe Jesus is the son of God, in heaven, in treating others as you wish to be treated. I find comfort in my beliefs. What I have trouble reconciling is the man-made laws the Vatican hands down. The Bible doesn't say you can't eat meat on Fridays during Lent, can't take Communion if you vote Democrat, etc.

Last month when the Pope rescinded the ex-communication of a bishop who denies the realities of the Holocaust, I cringed. The church might need more members, but this guy is not the kind of person you want as the face of Catholicism.

Then comes this week's papal doozy: Condoms make the AIDS crisis even worse. "AIDS is a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, and that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems," is the exact quote. Such ignorance coming from someone who has so much power is dangerous. It's almost as reckless as the lies spread a few years back by Catholic priests that condoms have microscopic holes that let viruses pass through or that condoms are actually infected with HIV.

Then just days later comes the report that in Washington, D.C., 3% of the population over the age of 12 is infected with HIV. That's 15,120 people in 68.3 square miles. And those are only the known cases. Keep in mind that 1% is considered an epidemic.

Am I being naive in thinking that if there is a God and an afterlife, that it's the big things that matter? That you told the truth, were kind to people, tried to do the right things, didn't harm others. Or is that just a convenient excuse to live by my own rules?

Buckle Up, Slow Down, Or Support Your State Government

2009-03-16T16:00:00.003-04:00

Police were out in full force in my city today trying to nab anyone not wearing a seat belt. I know it's mostly a cheap ploy to make some extra income, but it doesn't bother me that much. I also think motorcyclists should have to wear helmets, but that's another post all together. But the best part is that there were warning signs posted everywhere, and people STILL weren't wearing their seat belts. How stupid do you have to be? There's a sign that says police are giving out tickets 100 feet down the road, and they're still too lazy to buckle up?

It reminds me of metal detector day in high school. Signs were posted on every door to alert students that metal detectors were being used. If they caught anyone with a gun, they damn well deserved to be caught.

This weekend on the highway there also were police with radar guns trying to catch speeders. However, I don't think they were the brightest of the bunch. Instead of sitting in their cars, they were standing on the side of the highway. Of course they were hidden, too. So when I'm zooming down the highway at 70 mph and suddenly see someone inches from my car pointing a gun at me, I get a little freaked out. Haven't they seen America's Most Shocking/Outrageous/Terrify-
ing videos? Cops gets run down all the time while standing by the highway.

So today's moral: People are stupid. Thank you for listening.

Carmen Sandiego Would Kick His Ass

2009-03-14T08:59:00.000-04:00

The Today show is not sending Matt Lauer on his famous "Where in the World" trip this year because of the economy. The show's executive producer thought it would send the wrong message in these hard economic times.

WTF? Television is supposed to be escapism. It's supposed to be full of adventure, romance and impossible situations. Reality sucks enough as it is. If I see one more news segment devoted to saving money on groceries, insurance, entertainment or gas I am going to scream.

Even Oprah screwed her audience out of good swag during her Favorite Things episode. What's next? The CSIs get laid off and have to take jobs at Wal-Mart? Survivor takes place in a home facing foreclosure? The Grey's Anatomy docs have to scrub toilets at work after losing the custodial staff to budget cuts? Law and Order: Blue Light Special Victims Unit?

So bring on the glitz, glamour and extravagant spending by Hollywood. We have to live vicariously through someone.

Baby Daddy Blues

2009-03-13T11:21:00.001-04:00

The fairy tale romance of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston has come to an end. Take a moment to grieve. Who could have predicted that the relationship between two teenagers with a baby out of wedlock wouldn't last? If those crazy kids can't make a go it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Let's recall the highlights of this young love. The young couple holding hands at the Republican convention while Levi chewed gum and everyone stared at Bristol's ginormous breasts. The MySpace page where Levi declared his intention to never have children. The birth of precious little ~~Stumble~~ ~~Fall~~ Tripp.

Even though less than 8% of teen mothers marry the baby's father within one year of the birth, according to a spokesman for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, didn't we believe they could beat the odds? Let's just hope they can find their way back to each other. Many great couples in history endured separation, only to reunite. Take Jessica Alba and Cash Warren, Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler, that dude from The Bachelor and the chick he dumped, Chris Brown and Rihanna. There is hope, Levi and Bristol. There is hope.